D Day

On Friday ,08 November 2013 around 10am,I receive the e-mail we've been waiting for. "YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN DENIED"

Yes,we were waiting for news,but were not expecting that news! I broke down crying,calling Mark at work and he came straight home. The gut punch was this,when receiving the mail,I was busy taking stock of our baby purchases,to see what else we need.

He came home,we didnt talk,just cried. I mean,what was there to say at that moment? Calming down,we immediately went into survival mode 'what do we do now?'

I contacted a few private SW's and they all want to know the same thing "why were you denied?" A question we could not answer,we dont know if Magdalena Huis will ever answer us,so what now?

Calling my mother,she asked what about surrogacy ? Now that is a costly one,but we'll get to that maybe today,maybe some other time.

Now we are against the wall,everyone wants to know WHY. Our family,friends and even our doctors cannot understand how they came to the decision. Theze are ppl who are in regular contact with us,but the ones who's neva met us decided that we are not fit to be parents.

So finaly I get an answer back and it says that the committee was concerned about our LIFESTYLE,our physical,emotional and spiritual well being. Is that not everything about us? What is SO wrong with our lifestyle? We are happily married for 6 years,with a normal dinamic. Yes,we have a health issue each,but we are taking care to control it. I dont believe our emotional or spiritual state ia anything less than normal. So what about us caused a decision to be made aganst us?

All we wanted was a baby to love and take care of. We jumped through all the hoops and waisted a whole year in the process. Our hearts are broken and we feel like we failed that little baby who we've been e for so patiently.

So,we've decided to take a year for ourselves. We've been consumed with having a baby for almost 7 years straight ,in the process forgetting everything else. We. passed so Many oppertunities because very year would be the year that. we have our baby. Well no baby for 2014. We will be working on our home,studies,traveling,living.  It will be  our off year,so to speak. We will explore our optiond again as 2015 is apon us,God willing,but for now  2014 will be our baby free year.

Everything has taken so much emotionaly from us,we just want to tske a break ang gather ourselves. Making this decision may seem as if the adoption has not affected us to the outside world,but it is because it's affecting us so much that we need to ke some time for ourselves and just live a little.

I dont know when or if I'll b back here,but the journey will always continue until we breath our last breath.

Till next time...

It's over and done with

Friday was the board sitting for our adoption application. I'm guessing it happened,because I did not hear anything from them again. The decision was made and there's nothing to be done about it now. We just have to wait  until we hear from our SW about what the outcome was. She has got nothing to do with the final decision,all she could do was tell them about her experience with us and the impression she had of us. That would be the second SW job too and I felt positive about our meetings with both of them. I'm just hoping and praying for god news this coming week.

I was,and still am,so nervous!!! Friday I received a ton of msgs from friends just with one question - het julle nog niks gehoor nie? Laat weet my sodra hulle laat weet!!! (have yu heard anything yet? Let me know as soon as they contact you!!!) It melted my heart and made me more nervous at the same time. One msg even came all the way from Italy!!! Just shows that we do have many people in our corner,praying with us for this life changing change to happen. Many of these people dont even remember when my birthday is,thank you facebook,but they remembered that the decision was being made on Friday. Realy,realy heart warming. IF SOMEDAY YOU GET TO READ MY BLOG,THANK YOU,YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I PRAY THAT ALL THE GOOD FAVOUR MAY BE RETURNED ON YOUR LIVES. MWAH MY FRIENDS!!!

Seriously now,the next time I come here will be to post the results...either way,it"s going to change our lives.

Till next time...

My nerves knows no end...

Our board sitting was supposed to be last Friday. The SW let me know that the psychologist had to have an operation and now the sitting would b postponed till 1 November. That wud b this Friday. Now that it's only 2 days away,I am a ball of nerves.  I am so fed up with myself,I dont know what to do!!! The reality is setting in that strangers will be deciding our fate. They dont know us at all,is that good or bad,and yet they will decide the course of our lives on Friday.It wont go the way many others go,where they themselves decide what time is the right time. This is out of our hands. We did the best we could on our end up until this point. All I know is,even though a group of strangers will be deciding if we are fit to be parents,our God will be at the head of that table,taking charge of that meeting and doing what He thinks is best. I could not ask for a better person to be in charge,so now that I think about it,they wont all be strangers. There will be one person I know and He knows us better than anyone out there!!! Thank you Lord,our trust is in you!!!

Here's to praying for good news,little ange baby,we're waiting for you!!!

Till next time...

I love to touch it!!!!



My heart is racing,I dont know how I'll make it to the end of this month!!!

We have been shopping a little and I thought I'd just load a few pix of what we bought.I'll be vacuum sealing all my stuff soon to keep it in good condition.Untill then ,I take it out and touch it as often as I can. The bins are slowly filling up and I am so happy about that!!!



 

 These 3 is my most current purchase. We try to buy as unisex as possible.

 Our first bedding set!!! Too CUTE!

 These were free,bought with Edgars rewards points!

 Not a great pic,but took this a few months ago.

I even called my sister to see if she can  find this one in Cape Tpwn for me. Had to have it!

1 Step Closer!!!

So my birthday has come and gone. I have officialy fallen of the calender,even though I was trying to hold on very tight!!! It's always very uneventfull,since moving from Cape Town. Just me and Hubby for the day. He makes me breakfast(gets better every year),we lunch and supper out. This year when we turned up at the eatery,it was so full on a Thursday eve,that we ended up at WIMPY!!! The pats 4 years he has been working nightshift on my bday,but he always manages to get the day (night) off,making at least one of my weeks shorter!!!

Now to get to the important stuff!!! Our SW contacted me on Friday. The local Sw assured her that he would be here for our home visit on Oct 2nd. Now she just wants to know if he had indeed showed up. Well,he didnt. I made a call to his office on Friday morning and he didnt get back to me. Saturday evening just after 6,while we are heading out to go have my missed bday dinner,there's a knock at the door. What do you know,It's mr Errol Peterson!!!Very casualy dressed and friendly. That moment there was no time to panick,the house is kind of a mess,with blankets all over the couch. Dining room table still has my birthday stuff all over it,accompanied by my scrapbooking and Santa Shoebox goodies. Imagine my horror. You have this picture that everything will be perfect when they show up,and now THIS!!!Also,he washere on Thursday,while we were out.

He came in,sat down,asked a few questions about us,the neighbours,the area,the house,the adoption and off he went!!! That's it,no walking,checking,nothing. He left with us feeling very positive. He assured us that he will be reporting back today and that according to him,everything looks good. Fingers crossed.We left the house in shock and disbelief,hunger gone,I forgot my wallet at home,just plain deurmekaar after that visit. I guess the adrenalin kicked in,but we were on cloud nine!!!Thank you mr Peterson,I thought you were gonna b full af crap and attitude,because of all the calls during these last 4 months!!!

On 25 Oct,we will be included in the group that goes infront of the board to decide if it's yay or nay...We'll talk again then!!!

Till next time...

Oh Pain Pain..go away!!!

Right now I am in front of the pc,heater on,icy feet and I can Barely move. Last nite I just felt a pop in my left hip area and since then I've been in so much PAIN! I've cried numerous times since last nite,but managed to still do some chores and fed my husband twice today,through the pain. It took me an hour to bake an egg,butter bread and make coffee this morning (mind you while sobbing through it the whole time.) Things kept falling on the floor and I struggled to just bend over,but I did. Meantime Hubby is snoring away,blissfully unaware of me and my trouble.Sensitive much?

I contacted our SW. Managed to send a very nice,but firm e-mail and she assured me that she will see to why our home study is taking s long to be completed. I realy just want this over and done with. I WANT TO BE PAPER PREGNANT!!!

This week I made my biggest purchase yet. A complete cot set. Duvet-,bumper- and pillow inners with the covers. The most beautifull set of white linnen with a bear embroidered on. It took some convincing in the store for Mark to agree,but here it is. He realised there and then how hard it will be for him to say no to our kids someday.

When I start to feel so low and longing to hold a little baby in my arms,I start unpacking ll my baby buys,I mean everything! Nothing stays behind. I lay it out in front of me,old it up,hold it close,smell it and then I cry...I know...I'm very naughty. I just cant help it. It eases the pain somewhat,but it's no match for a little body who will be filling them.

Till next time...

6 Year Anniverversary coming up!!!

Our Anniversary is coming up next Sunday,18 Aug 2013.

It's the first year that we dont have anything planned,but we are working towards a bigger goal...A FAMILY.

 This might be the person I miss the most in my life. Had a better bond with my Gran than with my own mother.

Our only 'child'. Has been for 5 years and 4 months!!!

Sad day for a dilly...

My parents,sister & goddaughter will be visiting us this coming long weekend. Yay 4 the visit,nay 4 the preparation!!!

Always the same problem. Not enough storage space. Now,to clear things up. I always try and buy xmas gifts and things early in the year when it's on sale. This year it happenes to b 6big boxes. Add to that the 2 bins baby goods and more beddings. I have to make space for these things and quick!!!

Mark has to pack up the whole 'home office' and install (and build) the built in cupboard in that bedroom by Thursday,keep in mind while working 12 hour night shifts!!! More stuff to find space for,the computrr stand,urgh#@.

On a sad note. Last week I bought a huge teddy,yes I dig my own grave with these purchaces and storage,now I wanto try and stuff it into my big baby bin. So taking the bins out,I open the smaller one with the baby clothing in and immediately I get sad. My heart aches while I'm holding the little bodyvest in the air and on my chest,wondering if they will ever be filled with a little soft body. I know I must not keep looking at it,but can you blame me? So the yearning,which had tapered off,has started up again and with it comes being sad,inpatient and just plain being negative about holding our baby in my arms. So,pack it away now and go on with the day,step by step,day by day.

Till next time...

Our 6t anniversary is coming up on the 18th!!!

Usually we go on a weekend getaway or for the whole week(just for the hell of it). This year we decided,no holidays!

A lighter heart!

I was so frustrated at not knowing whats going on,then yesterday I had a change of heart.

I prayed and asked God to take control. I will let go of my anxieties to let Him take his rightfull place as leader of our lives. I almost immediately felt as if a wheight has been lifted. For too long I'v been trying to control my life!
So today I checked my e-mails amd there was just one. I got angry and thought it was these chain mails again. To my suprise it was our SW!!! Now I was scared to read it. Was it good news,bad news or just news?

She just wants to confirm that all is still well. Our local SW is swamped with work,but has agreed to do our home visit,when he gets a chance to.

My heart rejoiced!!! We are still on the books,but mostly because God has shown ma favour! He listened and showed me that I should not doubt Him. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD!!!

Till next time..

It's getting to me...

I'm feeling very frustrated at the momemt. I like to know where I stand and at the moment I have NO idea.

I e-mailed the SW 2 weeks ago and havent received a reply yet. Yesterday again and still nothing. Is it a bad sign? I know these thing take time,but a little feedback wouldnt hurt or just the courtesy of answering an e-mail.

I dont know what to think. The longer I wait ,the more it consumes me and I'm starting to get mad. Is it wrong to feel this way?

Till next time...

What's in a Church?

THIS IS GONNA B A LONG ONE!

Last nite I brought up the topic of Church to my husband. To get the picture- I grew up VGK,he grew up CATHOLIC. Now the conventional thing u do when getting married is to join ur husband's church,right? Well,here we go.

I finaly,after 5,5 years of marriage,started the Adult classes to convert. That taking so long may have been the mistake. Now,classes are on pause till October and they told us that afterwards we can decide if the Catholic faith is for us or not. NOT! Due to many factors,not the church by itself.

Lets start with some sacraments,as they call it.

BAPTISM
It seems as if I will have to b baptised again at age 32.
One of the many things that seems not to b good enough for them if done in another church,there's a lot more!!!
I was baptised as a baby. Figured the next time this happens is when I made the choice to be,not being forced to gain entry to a church.
Also,when baptising your baby,you can only choose godparents of the same faith. I only know 4 Catholics. The only one I would concider lives abroad. Another thing being forced on you. I speak from experience.
I discovered my baptism certificate when I was 10 or so. My godparents being my dads stepfather and his sister(my aunt). Now by that time,the stepfather had passed. He was a wonderfull man,loved me like I was his own. The aunt is another story. No involvement whatso ever. I wanted to know from my mother,why would they choose her for such an important role? I didnt understand how she could have this amazing position givin to her and she didnt care at all.
Now why would I want that for my child. The names on the certificate is for life and even after. I dont want that question to come out of my childs mouth,that would mean I failed them. Mark suggested that u cud just put a name on there to get thru the baptism,I dont see it like that. I have a godchild. Her parents chose me,because of who I am. I love that girl to bits,even though I dont get to see her often. I would do anything for her if she asked. Wouldnt u want the same for your own children? Not just a name on a paper,because they're Catholic.

CONFESSION
Seriously? Why would I go sit in a box,telling someone anonomously my sins,have them tell me what my punishment should be and go do it? What happened to going down on your knees and using the direct line by praying? I talk to God everyday of my life,dont need the middleman while doing that.

HOLY COMMUNION
This I did after my confirmation. Now I'm not fit to receive it,cause I'm not Catholic. Oh and apparantly,you can only receive it after you have been to confession. Meaning you'll have to b in that box every week if you want communion.

CONFIRMATION
I was confirmed in 1998 at VGK Eersteriver by Ds. Obe Phillips. All decked out in white,my whole family in attendance(except the godmother and her mother btw). I had the whole production. Why go through it again. Why not let us take a few classes,take an oath  and receive us into the church? Now I have to do 1.5 years,just to get into a new church.

MARRIAGE
All of the above seem not to b good enough if you'v already done it. Now with our marriage,it has to be confirmed in the Catholic chutch for them to view it as legal. If I wanted it,I would have gotten married in the Catholic Church. We purposely decided to get a priest from a different church,than any of ours,to marry us. We looked for soneone who could give us pre-marrital counceling,who walked with us and could marry us in Christ. Not just someone who is ordaned to do it. Now that will be a do over also.

why would I convert to a faith where my current one is void to them?

My husband is Catholic in name. He doesnt go to confession,take communion once every what,doesnt own a rosary,missle and whatever else he should. There's no investment,just the 'I'm used to it' factor.
I have the same factor when it comes to VGK.

Other thing is this. When we went early this year so we cud get things going with the church,they gave him forms. 4 questions- Name;what parish he comes from;current address and how much will he be giving in planned giving. No other interest in a new member. They are always handing out money envelopes. You have to buy THEIR Bilble,Their books,rosaries, 2 different hymn books.
I have a store bought Bible and Hymn book. That's it. Once a month I give my donation,I didnt have to confirm ahead of time what it will be. They say other churches are money makers,but this one,sjoe!
The people dont hav any interest in you. We have been going there since 2007,no one has ever come up to us to ask anything about ourselves. They dont greet u in or out of chuch,even those who know who you are. Uninvolved!!! I grew up with Sunday school,confirmation classes,youth group,my mother was a deacon,belonged to the womens league. Whe had prayer meetings Wednesday evenings at a different house. It was a community. I want that. I want to get involved in these things. The Catholic church doesnt have that,how can you get involved when they dont acknowledge you? I want to be excited about going to Church even when I'm alone. I dread going to this Church by myself. It's said to b a mortal sin when you dont attend their mass,well I'm gonna burn in hell,cause there's no way I'm going by myself.
I'm not getting any spiritual guidance out of this church or faith. They challenge everything I believe in and yet I cannot believe in what they say. I believe in God,praying,the Bible.  How will I be a good Christian when I sit in a Church I dont want to be in,when I dont believe in their ways,when I feel unwanted and uncomfortable?

How can I raise my children under Gods word in a church that I myself dont want to be in. This is not just about us anymore,we have to think about our children and what we want out of life for them .

I believe it's now realy time to go Church hunting together.

Till next time...

WAITING seems to be the word this year...

We are still waiting to hear from the local SW to set a date for our home visit. It's nerve wracking!!! I contacted our SW ,but has not received a reply as of yet. This is getting to me. The panel meeting is next Friday,28 June & we realy,realy want to be apart of that group. Just to get finality on whether or not it's a yes or no! I dont know how I'm gonna cope having to wait another month or what.

A friend of ours who's been married for 5 years,just recently divordced started dating again last year & hid girlfriend is expecting,in her 6th month now. He was very weary of telling me,but I am in a very good state of mind and could be truly happy for them . He told me early on,when she was 9 weeks along. I had made peace with our sotuation.  Having a baby is not something that's on my mind at all anymore. My dreams consists of forms,screenings,courts and receiving a healthy baby to love as my own. Weird,this was not the case 2 years ago. How time changes things.

Just yesterday me and above mentioned friend were swapping pix of baby stuff we had bought. The difference just,their goods are of reality,mine of hope. I know a little body will fill these clothes someday soon and he/she will be all ours!!! What a lovely vision...

Till next time...

Keeping Hubby updated

It's 02:30 and I'm still up,nothing new  for me.

Last night I finaly had hubby read my blog. I loaded it onto his homescreen on his phone for easy access. I dont know how many posts he read,but I am eager to find out what his thoughts are.

On another note...we are waiting to hear when our home visit will be. I would love for all of this to be over by month end,but we'll have to wait and see. I just want to dive into nesting mode already!!!

Still on adoption,it seems as though I am having some trouble with family understanding just how unpredictable the process can be. We are trying to prepare ourselves for a long or short wait,but to them it just comes accross as being to focused on it. We'll suck it up,I'd rather be prepared and have everything in place a year in advance than have to run around in 3 days and depend on hand outs!!!

Till next time...

2 COMMENT OR NOT 2 COMMENT?

It seems as though people from around the globe has been viewing my blog,mostly by accident,I know,but nevertheless.  Why not leave a little comment? I would love to make some new friend,especially if you can relate to our special situation. So come on...SPEAK UP WEBBY PEOPLE!!!

Till next time...

Screening

We had our screening on Friday.  I dont think I slept the night before!!!

It wasn't as bad as we thought it would be. At least we didn't have to make two trips. It took about 5 hours for the interviews and physometric testing. We do feel positive about it though. Our home visit will be during the month of June and on 28 June the panel will decide if we are suitable or not.

I've been doing a little shopping,sumtin I've waited years for to do. I just love walking in the little clothing isles and feeling the stuff.

I visited my friend who recently had a baby and her baby was exactly 2 months old,the age  our baby will be more or less when we get him/her. It was so good for us to get an idea of how big our baby will be. Plus she was toooo cute!!!

Now we just have to wait for our home visit and we'll be set.

Till next time...

It's coming closer...

It's Sunday today,almost a new week and almost Friday!!!
I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. Adding to the fact that I'm a homemaker with very little to do at the moment,it consumes my mind totally. I tell myself I wont think about it today,but I do,all day. I'm mostly afraid of what can go wrong,negative nelly,but I cant help it. With very few things working out for me,can you blame me?

Till next time...

Date set!!!

The date for our screening is set. Friday,31 May 2013 @10 am.

I have no idea whats waiting for us,but we are looking forward to it. At least we'll b getting a Cape Town weekend out of it and get to go the movies-FAST &FURIOUS 6!!!

Till next time...

We're getting there

Om 1 May 2013 we sent off our application sans Form 30. What do u know,a week later it turned up in the mail. I sent that sucker off immediately!!!! Then we waited for any contact from the social worker.Yesterday I was actualy scanning very thoroughly through my e-mails for just a hint of a reply,but nothing.

TODAY I GOT HE REPLY!!!!Our screening is about to start. We have to supply a date for them and just show up with our bond statement.OMG...check how fast my heart is beating!

Suddenly nothing seems right. The house aint right,the room not ready,I'm not ready. Then I calmed down,sat down,switched on the pc and came up to my blog. Why wouldnt I be ready? All my life I waited for everything and getting very few things of what I wanted. This may actualy be one of the few I will actualy get. What will be the deciding bfactor in us not being approved to raise a child?Other people dont get to be judged on having children,they just have them,whether or notthey can care for them or want them.Here we are (one of many) who wants that,who are capable of caring for a child,but we have to be put through torture to be allowed to raise a child.

Now I say,SO WHAT? I'm ready,BRING IT ON!!! I want that baby,I need that baby. We are ready. I want to sit up all night with a crying baby,sick baby or just look at my baby when it's sleeping. I want to join that club called MOTHERHOOD. I want to change nappies,any kind,even the ones with the poo running oup to the neck. I WANT IT!!!INEED IT!!!

I know my husband will be useless at night with a crying baby,but maybe he'll surprise me? Who knows?

Next time I'll probably be on here with my heart in my throat for whatever reason it may be!

Till next time...

Almost there!!!

We have been waiting patiently for the return on our form30. Nothing yet,so I e-mailed our social worker and she suggested that we send in our forms and get started wiyh the screening process. Now I am so thankful and scared at the same time. This is such an important time in our lives now and we have to take a moment to take it all in.

We have to arrange a meeting with our parish priest for a blessing before we send it off. We need all the help we can get.

We also started a new lifestyle routine and it's not going very well,lol. We are soooo bad at this! In our forms is a column for our wheight and we are having a tough time completing that part...omg...and it shouldnt be at all.

So now it's as if it's becoming real and I want to shout it to the world,but for now it has to stay confined to our hearts.

Till next time...

Just 2 more steps

Our police clearance came back today,finaly!!! Also our HIV test results and medical certificate. Now just the Form30 to return. Then we're on our way. Before we send it off we're gonna ask our Parish Priest to bless the papers,just for an extra bit of hope.

I seriously cant wait for things to start happening. Control freak I am,so it's hard when I dont have a handle on things. This is toatly driving me crazy.

Till next time...

Completing the paperwork

So many things...

Mark had to have a form completed at work for the adoption papers. Idiot HR tells him,it cant be completed,it has to be sent to Salt River. A week later Mark goes for the completed form only to hear that he must complete it himself,the idiot will only have to put an official company stamp on it. Kan jy nou meer!!!

We're waiting for the police clearance to return and then it's just the certifying of our documents. Also our medical assessment has to be completed and it seems as if our GP is gonna be the one to throw a spanner in the works. It looks as if he is gonna give us a bad report. I know we are overwheight,I am obese,I hav hypertension,Mark cholestrol,but we manage it very well,so waht's the problem? I've managed to loose some wheight,6kg's so far***happydance***.

I am very eager to get these papers completed and sent off. We plan on going for a blessing at our Parish just before we mail the papers to the agency.

Cant wait to hold a little baby in my arms,my dreams are consumed by a little soft warm body.

Till next time...

An update

Well,one of the many things that suck about Vredenburg is the connection problems. I can never seem to establish a working conection to get on thr freaking internet!!!i'M HERE NOW,FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER AND IT MAY BE A WHILE AGAIN...

We went for our police clearance last Friday...geez,cant it go smoother?Who organises the set up there? One lucky thing is that they sent the forms away themselves,costing us R18 each,but hey,it's all gonna be worth it in the end.Also sent away our Form 30 enquiry,so we'll have to wait another 2 weeks for any answer from them. We went to the church office yesterday for a letter from the parish priest,now it's just medicals,our copies of our qaulifications and then it's good to go.

I am so anxious about this,I just want it to be quick and painless,as long as we can get on that list!!!

We are so ready for sleepless night,dynamite nappies and everything that comes with it.I am constantly on my phone(lucky network is available there) looking through everything baby. How big will he/she be when we get them. What will be a useless thing to get? Luckily there is so much to read up on,I think I will go overboard in stead of doing just what is nedded. Can you blame me?I;ve after all been waiting for this angel my whole life...

Till next time...

Information session

So we went to the information session at Magdalena Huis yesterday. Met a nice couple in the process,but due to nerves and everything else,fortgot to exchange fone numbers.

Now we know what the process entails. We took the forms,so now the filling in starts and then we'll see what 's next.We are excited to start this new journey.

Also had a little fertility scare on Thursday,wont go into it. Had a gyno app also Thursday,but had to cancel due to a burst geyser...urgh...

Now the road is open and it looks rosy.

Till next time...

Nervousheshness

So we are two weeks away from our orientation with Magdalena Huis.My nerves raak elke dag a bietjie minder!

As the datedraws near I start thinking about many things. How can I loose the wheight in two weeks? Because what will they think of me?FAT AND LAZY,what many people do think.I cant make my house bigger in teo weeks,we cant do all the renovations we plan to do for the year in two weeks,we wont become rich in two weeks.Are those the things they look for? Or are they looking for love,support,stability and security,because that is exactly what we do have.

Then I wonder about our portfolio. We dont have many pictures,many of Mark,none of me or us together. We have lots of holiday pics,but not together or engaging in activities. we dont have many with families kids at all,we have pix of them,but not with us!OH MA GAWD...my head is spinning. we have to jump out and get to clicking!!! Do we do the portfolio in English or Afrikaans? What do we have to do to get it to the top aand for it to be a true reflection of us?

I see tough days ahead.

Till next time...

Just some more stuff

I've come to think of this blog as my own personal diary.Since it's not been published yet,the world is unaware of it,I still feel like I can speak my mind. I dread the day when I make it public and people start reading all the crap I put down here.

On the other hand,I feel that I want to share our story and journey,whatever the outcome may be,with people.

So here's some good news. We received the 'invitation' from Magdalena Huis to come for the information session. I RSVP'd and so we're set to take the second step on our journey.I am excited and scared at the same time,mostly of the unknown,but I want to do this with my whole heart.

What will they want to know?How deep are they going to delve into our lives?Do we have skeletons that will merge once they start asking questions? Orwill it be quick and painless?We'll have to wait and see.

We spoke to our house doctor about our medicals and he is so happy that we are trying atleast,I have faith in him that he will help us how ever which way he can. I'm also going for my yearly check-up with my Gyno the day before the information session,and we'll have to inform him of our decision also,since he is actualy pushing for us to go for IVF.

On religion. I finaly started yesterday with classes to convert to the Catholic church. I dont know if I should call it Catholic faith,since my Faith is already in the Lord and I am a Christian,so ja.I did learn qiute a lot during the session last night,actualy looking forward to the next one and being in one church with Mark.SOOOO much looking forward to the day when we can walk up to the altar and christen our little babies,raising them under the blood of the Lord,WONDERFUL!!!

Till next time...

Thoughts

There are two adoption blogs that I love,So met a ompad saam and The blessed barrenness.It's great to read how the families and grandparents accepted these little angels into their lives as their own,no questions asked.

We chatted today about what to do when we bring a little one home someday. What a joyous day that would be. Introducing him/her to every close family member,them falling inlove instantly. We chatted about our car,which will someday be too small,having two kids before Mark turns 40,what it would be like going on holiday with a baby?It seems that Mark is looking forward to the 3-4 year old stage,when they can participate in activities. Also the nursery came up,what to do and what to put in there.So excited and so afraid of the unknown.

It was sad talking about waht our kids would look like (if we could conceive) and I ended the convo with we'll neva know and Mark said,nothing is impossible.So even though there's still hope,we wont be clinging to it,because out there are a few babies who's waiting to enter our lives in any which way they can...YAY!!!

Till next time...

BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TODAY

Not feelin very gud today. PMS is a motha!!!

Mark is working till atleast 10 tonight since 6 this morning,so I'm left to my own company.Discovering that I'm extremely nauseated,very crampy,running up and down to the toilet to nr1,bloated with a headache that wont quit.Sleep aint helpin,so what else.

Off the point...it's hard being all alone so far away from family and friends.Nobody has the good sense to come visit once in a while. When we go 'home' we cant get to every1,usualy we are there for a day or day and a half.Most of that time being spent on the road shutteling between every1.Because the Jardines are a huge clan,I neva get to see my fam or friends,only stop at my folks home,where we sleep,and then off to the in-laws.Wehardly get to do anything we want to do and at the end of the day we are so tired,it's just bedtime.When will they realise that when they come to visit us,they only have this one stop to make,no shutteling between family members at all. I so much would like to pay a decent visit to a friend or family,but it'simpossible.

It's a lonely life out here...

Till next time...

The Love Journal

THE LOVE JOURNAL

I started thisa as a very personal way of letting our future child know just how much he/she was loved. Maybe we can even get Mark to scribble a page full someday soon!!!

Till next time...

The Klaastes

The Jardines

So these are our two families on two seperate pix.

Klaastes - Mom and Dad (Maureen & Bruce)
Me being the eldest with my husband,Mark
My only sister,Loran

The Jardines - This is a huge clan
Mom and Dad (Mary & Pat)
Eldest child,sister Patsy and her husband Raoul with their Kids,
Joy & Joel
My husband,Mark & me
Brother Manual and his wife Esther with their kids,Caleb & Grace
Youngest brother Sergio and his wife Charlene,no kids yet also

Here's to hoping and praing that a little baby in our arms will combine these two families to make one beautiful portrait to adorn my wall!

Till next time...

Dayddreamin'

I havent even filled out 1 form,but I cant help but dream about the day we enter this house with a little human. I dream of what he/she would look like. What they would smell like.Preparing the first feeding,changing the first nappy,first clothes change,first sleepless night,first bout of uncontrolable crying (me and baby both,maybe even hubby...you neva know!).All the good and all the bad. Doesnt matter to me at all. Since we have no idea of how the adoption process will play out,we cant realy make any plans regarding a baby yet. What if they dont accept our application?What if they do and we dont ever get picked? What if we get picked and the BM wants her baby back.My mind is racing with what if's and firsts. Going on the internet and looking into breastfeeding must be the most stupid thing I 'v done so far.That is the one part of motherhood that evades most adoptive parents.That's the one part I was actualy looking forward to when having my own baby.Seems like I will maybe at least get to fullfill that dream,MAYBE.We'll see. I realy want to post my blog to my facebook page,but I wont,not until after we have gone through the application process. I 'm not one of those people who hide what I do. I f my posts can help the next person to at least open their minds to adoption,then I have done a little good in this world. Pics of our two families,someday a little baby will help in creating just one huge family shot! Till next time...

It's been a while...

A quick catch up. After multiple rounds of Clomid,lots of wheight gained,herbal drops,Mark's sperm analisys and lost hope,we finaly decided to go ahead with adoption.So here we go... Last week I e-mailed Magdalena House,but their SW was on leave until the 14th of Jan. Monday I called and she informed me that they will invite us for an information session according to our basic information,which they wil request later. Yesterday I received the e-mail for our information. As fast as I could,I typed it up and TRIED to send it back. My damn connection was so slow and I got so frustrated with it. Trying over and over again,it finaly went through.I called my mom just to let her know whats happening so fsr,just needed to at least tell someone.Now for the wait. How wonderful!!!My phone alerted me to an e-mail at 8 this morning with an e-mail from the SW saying that we are invited to a session on 15 Feb!!!!With excitement I called Mark to let him know,but his phone just kept on ringing. Finaly got a hold of him and it seems that the news wasnt important enough for him to be botherd at work with.My bubble was burst,I thought the only person who should be excited with me is acting so ashes. After an argument over the phone,him telling me that he handles things differnetly and I should Know it by now,me telling him that he could actas if he cared more,I burst into uncontrolable sobs and couldnt stop myself. Is it so wrong of me to expect him to be excited to? We are the only ones aware of what we are persuing now,we live far away from all our family and friends. I actualy need him to show more emotion in thie situation.Something we have been struggling with for almost 6 years and it finaly seems as though we're geting somewhere and there is no 'visible' emotional investment from his side. Now I want to call my mom,but I have to get a hold of my emotions first. He has to call his parents and tell them of our plans still. He is planning on doing it today,so lets hope. Hoping to get some more information from the SW soon,so we can better prepare ourselves for what lies ahead.