The aftermath...

I went for my check-up and the only concerning thing was the myomas and their size. So my ob/gyn wants us to still have  a chance by me having a myectomy,but since mine is too big for him to remove,he wants a specialist to do it. Since I havent heard from him,I guess they havent come back to him yet.

Emotionaly I am fine,but physically this is killing me. I've had this radiating lower back,right hip and right leg pain for a about 2 years. Always figured it was due to my cycles. With research I discovered  that the myomas actualy cause these pains.  It's so bad that I cant move. I cant get up,sit down,stand,sit,walk properly when it strikes-which is daily now. It's making life difficult for me. Since we want to eat healthy,when it's bad,I cant cook,now we have to do something quick with the go to bread or a take away. My house is a mess,I sweep when I feel decent,but other than that everything has to wait till the pain subsides somewhat. I cant go to the shops and do a proper shop. Cant sit in the car for long since the pain is unbearable.

This had me puzzled for some time. When we would drive to CT , I would start to complain about leg pain after 20 minutes. The combination of pain would strike at different times during my cycle,which would make me wonder why. Nothing is helping to make it easier.

As of this moment my fear is that the myomas will grow too big and they will have to remove my womb. The constant pain in making me panicky,Mark tells me I worry to much,but I cant help it. Sometimes,like this moment ,it's soooo bad that the tears are streaming down my face,only because I dont know what else to do . My days currently consist of trying to find a position that causes me the least amount of discomfort.

I do my own housework,cooking,shopping ,everything. Yet now I feel like those people who cant put their own shoes on and it's killing me...

Well,well ,well

So I decided to come back for a little visit. Thanx to my little friend surfing via a BB10 from the Arab Emrates. I was not planning on being here,since I had started a new blog (check it out),but this is still the place to talk about my yearning for that family that keeps slipping thru my fingers.

Just because it's an OFF year,does not mean we let go of our dream. It's still as big as ever,we just want something else to be first choice this year.

To tell the truth, I do feel lighter since we had taken a break. There is no talk of papers,forms,doctors,ivf,iui,surrogates,nothing. It feels as if my soul is starting to heal, because you know it has to,we dont know what will be waiting beyond the borders of  2014 on us. I am looking forward to maybe studying this year,taking a trip,hell,how about a new language (u neva know where u might end up). A defnite is doing some renovations at home. I finaly can give all my energy to something else,downside is somtimes I give too much e nergy. Just yesterday I told Mark I want to go volunteer at the childrens home around the corner from us,but would that be good for my being?

How about getting a job,spoken as if it's easy to do. I realy want to devote myself to yhings that will make me better this year. Sometimes I think,what about a year of love and marriage? Yes,that would be great,but we are the lucky ones. Through our years of struggle,we remained close,if not growing closer. We just wanted to be parents so much that at times we forgot that we are still a couple. I thank God that we never even came close to the point of blaming each other,instead we would just talk endlessly about it.

Today I just want to BE. I thank God for making us realise that we have followed our own path for too long and for helping us on the road to making the decision to have Him lead and  we will follow. Thank You for sending a stranger eith a massage on New Years Eve and speaking through the preacher,giving the same message yhe evening in church. From 2014 on,in God we fully and completely trust!!!

Till next time...

It's over and done with

Friday was the board sitting for our adoption application. I'm guessing it happened,because I did not hear anything from them again. The decision was made and there's nothing to be done about it now. We just have to wait  until we hear from our SW about what the outcome was. She has got nothing to do with the final decision,all she could do was tell them about her experience with us and the impression she had of us. That would be the second SW job too and I felt positive about our meetings with both of them. I'm just hoping and praying for god news this coming week.

I was,and still am,so nervous!!! Friday I received a ton of msgs from friends just with one question - het julle nog niks gehoor nie? Laat weet my sodra hulle laat weet!!! (have yu heard anything yet? Let me know as soon as they contact you!!!) It melted my heart and made me more nervous at the same time. One msg even came all the way from Italy!!! Just shows that we do have many people in our corner,praying with us for this life changing change to happen. Many of these people dont even remember when my birthday is,thank you facebook,but they remembered that the decision was being made on Friday. Realy,realy heart warming. IF SOMEDAY YOU GET TO READ MY BLOG,THANK YOU,YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I PRAY THAT ALL THE GOOD FAVOUR MAY BE RETURNED ON YOUR LIVES. MWAH MY FRIENDS!!!

Seriously now,the next time I come here will be to post the results...either way,it"s going to change our lives.

Till next time...

Oh Pain Pain..go away!!!

Right now I am in front of the pc,heater on,icy feet and I can Barely move. Last nite I just felt a pop in my left hip area and since then I've been in so much PAIN! I've cried numerous times since last nite,but managed to still do some chores and fed my husband twice today,through the pain. It took me an hour to bake an egg,butter bread and make coffee this morning (mind you while sobbing through it the whole time.) Things kept falling on the floor and I struggled to just bend over,but I did. Meantime Hubby is snoring away,blissfully unaware of me and my trouble.Sensitive much?

I contacted our SW. Managed to send a very nice,but firm e-mail and she assured me that she will see to why our home study is taking s long to be completed. I realy just want this over and done with. I WANT TO BE PAPER PREGNANT!!!

This week I made my biggest purchase yet. A complete cot set. Duvet-,bumper- and pillow inners with the covers. The most beautifull set of white linnen with a bear embroidered on. It took some convincing in the store for Mark to agree,but here it is. He realised there and then how hard it will be for him to say no to our kids someday.

When I start to feel so low and longing to hold a little baby in my arms,I start unpacking ll my baby buys,I mean everything! Nothing stays behind. I lay it out in front of me,old it up,hold it close,smell it and then I cry...I know...I'm very naughty. I just cant help it. It eases the pain somewhat,but it's no match for a little body who will be filling them.

Till next time...

6 Year Anniverversary coming up!!!

Our Anniversary is coming up next Sunday,18 Aug 2013.

It's the first year that we dont have anything planned,but we are working towards a bigger goal...A FAMILY.

 This might be the person I miss the most in my life. Had a better bond with my Gran than with my own mother.

Our only 'child'. Has been for 5 years and 4 months!!!

Sad day for a dilly...

My parents,sister & goddaughter will be visiting us this coming long weekend. Yay 4 the visit,nay 4 the preparation!!!

Always the same problem. Not enough storage space. Now,to clear things up. I always try and buy xmas gifts and things early in the year when it's on sale. This year it happenes to b 6big boxes. Add to that the 2 bins baby goods and more beddings. I have to make space for these things and quick!!!

Mark has to pack up the whole 'home office' and install (and build) the built in cupboard in that bedroom by Thursday,keep in mind while working 12 hour night shifts!!! More stuff to find space for,the computrr stand,urgh#@.

On a sad note. Last week I bought a huge teddy,yes I dig my own grave with these purchaces and storage,now I wanto try and stuff it into my big baby bin. So taking the bins out,I open the smaller one with the baby clothing in and immediately I get sad. My heart aches while I'm holding the little bodyvest in the air and on my chest,wondering if they will ever be filled with a little soft body. I know I must not keep looking at it,but can you blame me? So the yearning,which had tapered off,has started up again and with it comes being sad,inpatient and just plain being negative about holding our baby in my arms. So,pack it away now and go on with the day,step by step,day by day.

Till next time...

A lighter heart!

I was so frustrated at not knowing whats going on,then yesterday I had a change of heart.

I prayed and asked God to take control. I will let go of my anxieties to let Him take his rightfull place as leader of our lives. I almost immediately felt as if a wheight has been lifted. For too long I'v been trying to control my life!
So today I checked my e-mails amd there was just one. I got angry and thought it was these chain mails again. To my suprise it was our SW!!! Now I was scared to read it. Was it good news,bad news or just news?

She just wants to confirm that all is still well. Our local SW is swamped with work,but has agreed to do our home visit,when he gets a chance to.

My heart rejoiced!!! We are still on the books,but mostly because God has shown ma favour! He listened and showed me that I should not doubt Him. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD!!!

Till next time..

WAITING seems to be the word this year...

We are still waiting to hear from the local SW to set a date for our home visit. It's nerve wracking!!! I contacted our SW ,but has not received a reply as of yet. This is getting to me. The panel meeting is next Friday,28 June & we realy,realy want to be apart of that group. Just to get finality on whether or not it's a yes or no! I dont know how I'm gonna cope having to wait another month or what.

A friend of ours who's been married for 5 years,just recently divordced started dating again last year & hid girlfriend is expecting,in her 6th month now. He was very weary of telling me,but I am in a very good state of mind and could be truly happy for them . He told me early on,when she was 9 weeks along. I had made peace with our sotuation.  Having a baby is not something that's on my mind at all anymore. My dreams consists of forms,screenings,courts and receiving a healthy baby to love as my own. Weird,this was not the case 2 years ago. How time changes things.

Just yesterday me and above mentioned friend were swapping pix of baby stuff we had bought. The difference just,their goods are of reality,mine of hope. I know a little body will fill these clothes someday soon and he/she will be all ours!!! What a lovely vision...

Till next time...

2 COMMENT OR NOT 2 COMMENT?

It seems as though people from around the globe has been viewing my blog,mostly by accident,I know,but nevertheless.  Why not leave a little comment? I would love to make some new friend,especially if you can relate to our special situation. So come on...SPEAK UP WEBBY PEOPLE!!!

Till next time...

We're getting there

Om 1 May 2013 we sent off our application sans Form 30. What do u know,a week later it turned up in the mail. I sent that sucker off immediately!!!! Then we waited for any contact from the social worker.Yesterday I was actualy scanning very thoroughly through my e-mails for just a hint of a reply,but nothing.

TODAY I GOT HE REPLY!!!!Our screening is about to start. We have to supply a date for them and just show up with our bond statement.OMG...check how fast my heart is beating!

Suddenly nothing seems right. The house aint right,the room not ready,I'm not ready. Then I calmed down,sat down,switched on the pc and came up to my blog. Why wouldnt I be ready? All my life I waited for everything and getting very few things of what I wanted. This may actualy be one of the few I will actualy get. What will be the deciding bfactor in us not being approved to raise a child?Other people dont get to be judged on having children,they just have them,whether or notthey can care for them or want them.Here we are (one of many) who wants that,who are capable of caring for a child,but we have to be put through torture to be allowed to raise a child.

Now I say,SO WHAT? I'm ready,BRING IT ON!!! I want that baby,I need that baby. We are ready. I want to sit up all night with a crying baby,sick baby or just look at my baby when it's sleeping. I want to join that club called MOTHERHOOD. I want to change nappies,any kind,even the ones with the poo running oup to the neck. I WANT IT!!!INEED IT!!!

I know my husband will be useless at night with a crying baby,but maybe he'll surprise me? Who knows?

Next time I'll probably be on here with my heart in my throat for whatever reason it may be!

Till next time...

An update

Well,one of the many things that suck about Vredenburg is the connection problems. I can never seem to establish a working conection to get on thr freaking internet!!!i'M HERE NOW,FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER AND IT MAY BE A WHILE AGAIN...

We went for our police clearance last Friday...geez,cant it go smoother?Who organises the set up there? One lucky thing is that they sent the forms away themselves,costing us R18 each,but hey,it's all gonna be worth it in the end.Also sent away our Form 30 enquiry,so we'll have to wait another 2 weeks for any answer from them. We went to the church office yesterday for a letter from the parish priest,now it's just medicals,our copies of our qaulifications and then it's good to go.

I am so anxious about this,I just want it to be quick and painless,as long as we can get on that list!!!

We are so ready for sleepless night,dynamite nappies and everything that comes with it.I am constantly on my phone(lucky network is available there) looking through everything baby. How big will he/she be when we get them. What will be a useless thing to get? Luckily there is so much to read up on,I think I will go overboard in stead of doing just what is nedded. Can you blame me?I;ve after all been waiting for this angel my whole life...

Till next time...

Nervousheshness

So we are two weeks away from our orientation with Magdalena Huis.My nerves raak elke dag a bietjie minder!

As the datedraws near I start thinking about many things. How can I loose the wheight in two weeks? Because what will they think of me?FAT AND LAZY,what many people do think.I cant make my house bigger in teo weeks,we cant do all the renovations we plan to do for the year in two weeks,we wont become rich in two weeks.Are those the things they look for? Or are they looking for love,support,stability and security,because that is exactly what we do have.

Then I wonder about our portfolio. We dont have many pictures,many of Mark,none of me or us together. We have lots of holiday pics,but not together or engaging in activities. we dont have many with families kids at all,we have pix of them,but not with us!OH MA GAWD...my head is spinning. we have to jump out and get to clicking!!! Do we do the portfolio in English or Afrikaans? What do we have to do to get it to the top aand for it to be a true reflection of us?

I see tough days ahead.

Till next time...

Just some more stuff

I've come to think of this blog as my own personal diary.Since it's not been published yet,the world is unaware of it,I still feel like I can speak my mind. I dread the day when I make it public and people start reading all the crap I put down here.

On the other hand,I feel that I want to share our story and journey,whatever the outcome may be,with people.

So here's some good news. We received the 'invitation' from Magdalena Huis to come for the information session. I RSVP'd and so we're set to take the second step on our journey.I am excited and scared at the same time,mostly of the unknown,but I want to do this with my whole heart.

What will they want to know?How deep are they going to delve into our lives?Do we have skeletons that will merge once they start asking questions? Orwill it be quick and painless?We'll have to wait and see.

We spoke to our house doctor about our medicals and he is so happy that we are trying atleast,I have faith in him that he will help us how ever which way he can. I'm also going for my yearly check-up with my Gyno the day before the information session,and we'll have to inform him of our decision also,since he is actualy pushing for us to go for IVF.

On religion. I finaly started yesterday with classes to convert to the Catholic church. I dont know if I should call it Catholic faith,since my Faith is already in the Lord and I am a Christian,so ja.I did learn qiute a lot during the session last night,actualy looking forward to the next one and being in one church with Mark.SOOOO much looking forward to the day when we can walk up to the altar and christen our little babies,raising them under the blood of the Lord,WONDERFUL!!!

Till next time...

BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TODAY

Not feelin very gud today. PMS is a motha!!!

Mark is working till atleast 10 tonight since 6 this morning,so I'm left to my own company.Discovering that I'm extremely nauseated,very crampy,running up and down to the toilet to nr1,bloated with a headache that wont quit.Sleep aint helpin,so what else.

Off the point...it's hard being all alone so far away from family and friends.Nobody has the good sense to come visit once in a while. When we go 'home' we cant get to every1,usualy we are there for a day or day and a half.Most of that time being spent on the road shutteling between every1.Because the Jardines are a huge clan,I neva get to see my fam or friends,only stop at my folks home,where we sleep,and then off to the in-laws.Wehardly get to do anything we want to do and at the end of the day we are so tired,it's just bedtime.When will they realise that when they come to visit us,they only have this one stop to make,no shutteling between family members at all. I so much would like to pay a decent visit to a friend or family,but it'simpossible.

It's a lonely life out here...

Till next time...

It's been a while...

A quick catch up. After multiple rounds of Clomid,lots of wheight gained,herbal drops,Mark's sperm analisys and lost hope,we finaly decided to go ahead with adoption.So here we go... Last week I e-mailed Magdalena House,but their SW was on leave until the 14th of Jan. Monday I called and she informed me that they will invite us for an information session according to our basic information,which they wil request later. Yesterday I received the e-mail for our information. As fast as I could,I typed it up and TRIED to send it back. My damn connection was so slow and I got so frustrated with it. Trying over and over again,it finaly went through.I called my mom just to let her know whats happening so fsr,just needed to at least tell someone.Now for the wait. How wonderful!!!My phone alerted me to an e-mail at 8 this morning with an e-mail from the SW saying that we are invited to a session on 15 Feb!!!!With excitement I called Mark to let him know,but his phone just kept on ringing. Finaly got a hold of him and it seems that the news wasnt important enough for him to be botherd at work with.My bubble was burst,I thought the only person who should be excited with me is acting so ashes. After an argument over the phone,him telling me that he handles things differnetly and I should Know it by now,me telling him that he could actas if he cared more,I burst into uncontrolable sobs and couldnt stop myself. Is it so wrong of me to expect him to be excited to? We are the only ones aware of what we are persuing now,we live far away from all our family and friends. I actualy need him to show more emotion in thie situation.Something we have been struggling with for almost 6 years and it finaly seems as though we're geting somewhere and there is no 'visible' emotional investment from his side. Now I want to call my mom,but I have to get a hold of my emotions first. He has to call his parents and tell them of our plans still. He is planning on doing it today,so lets hope. Hoping to get some more information from the SW soon,so we can better prepare ourselves for what lies ahead.

So far

Well our journey started 18 mnths ago,when we had an unplanned pregnancy which ended in miscarriage.

We were heartbroken and since then we have struggled to conceive again.

I am currently on my 2nd round of fertility treatment.My doc doubled my doseage this time 2 promote success.We need prayer...