That old feeling

Yesterday was as normal a day for me as always,until about 16h00.

It's been just 2 months since we decided on our little baby breakbut yesterday,sho,was one of those days. While just waiting for time to pass before I start  dinner I suddenly had that nagging,very familiar feeling. My heart just fell to the floor and I was a balll of emotion. Tears kept rolling down my face as I was misding something I dont have terribly.

The pain of my empty lap was suddenly very bad. I dont know what it was or why it was,butI couldnt help myself. I was crying all through my cooking as I couldnt stop the tears. It was as if I had just received news of a passing,that was how intense the crying was.

When Mark stepped in,I brought up the fact of sudden sadness. We discussed it and about what our options would be,will we apply again for adoption or concider surrogacy.Also reminding ourselves of the year off and meassages we received. Still,the pain and emptyness is here,at this moment.

I dreamt about a little baby jus this morning,I cried again this afternoon for something stupid on tv. Looks my emotional well being took ablow yesterday and I dont know what to do about it. I am just looking for an answer in any way or form.

As for now,I slipped back into the longing and crying fase. Hoping that a solution will come in form of an answer to our prayers.

TILL NEXT TIME...

D Day

On Friday ,08 November 2013 around 10am,I receive the e-mail we've been waiting for. "YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN DENIED"

Yes,we were waiting for news,but were not expecting that news! I broke down crying,calling Mark at work and he came straight home. The gut punch was this,when receiving the mail,I was busy taking stock of our baby purchases,to see what else we need.

He came home,we didnt talk,just cried. I mean,what was there to say at that moment? Calming down,we immediately went into survival mode 'what do we do now?'

I contacted a few private SW's and they all want to know the same thing "why were you denied?" A question we could not answer,we dont know if Magdalena Huis will ever answer us,so what now?

Calling my mother,she asked what about surrogacy ? Now that is a costly one,but we'll get to that maybe today,maybe some other time.

Now we are against the wall,everyone wants to know WHY. Our family,friends and even our doctors cannot understand how they came to the decision. Theze are ppl who are in regular contact with us,but the ones who's neva met us decided that we are not fit to be parents.

So finaly I get an answer back and it says that the committee was concerned about our LIFESTYLE,our physical,emotional and spiritual well being. Is that not everything about us? What is SO wrong with our lifestyle? We are happily married for 6 years,with a normal dinamic. Yes,we have a health issue each,but we are taking care to control it. I dont believe our emotional or spiritual state ia anything less than normal. So what about us caused a decision to be made aganst us?

All we wanted was a baby to love and take care of. We jumped through all the hoops and waisted a whole year in the process. Our hearts are broken and we feel like we failed that little baby who we've been e for so patiently.

So,we've decided to take a year for ourselves. We've been consumed with having a baby for almost 7 years straight ,in the process forgetting everything else. We. passed so Many oppertunities because very year would be the year that. we have our baby. Well no baby for 2014. We will be working on our home,studies,traveling,living.  It will be  our off year,so to speak. We will explore our optiond again as 2015 is apon us,God willing,but for now  2014 will be our baby free year.

Everything has taken so much emotionaly from us,we just want to tske a break ang gather ourselves. Making this decision may seem as if the adoption has not affected us to the outside world,but it is because it's affecting us so much that we need to ke some time for ourselves and just live a little.

I dont know when or if I'll b back here,but the journey will always continue until we breath our last breath.

Till next time...

It's over and done with

Friday was the board sitting for our adoption application. I'm guessing it happened,because I did not hear anything from them again. The decision was made and there's nothing to be done about it now. We just have to wait  until we hear from our SW about what the outcome was. She has got nothing to do with the final decision,all she could do was tell them about her experience with us and the impression she had of us. That would be the second SW job too and I felt positive about our meetings with both of them. I'm just hoping and praying for god news this coming week.

I was,and still am,so nervous!!! Friday I received a ton of msgs from friends just with one question - het julle nog niks gehoor nie? Laat weet my sodra hulle laat weet!!! (have yu heard anything yet? Let me know as soon as they contact you!!!) It melted my heart and made me more nervous at the same time. One msg even came all the way from Italy!!! Just shows that we do have many people in our corner,praying with us for this life changing change to happen. Many of these people dont even remember when my birthday is,thank you facebook,but they remembered that the decision was being made on Friday. Realy,realy heart warming. IF SOMEDAY YOU GET TO READ MY BLOG,THANK YOU,YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I PRAY THAT ALL THE GOOD FAVOUR MAY BE RETURNED ON YOUR LIVES. MWAH MY FRIENDS!!!

Seriously now,the next time I come here will be to post the results...either way,it"s going to change our lives.

Till next time...

My nerves knows no end...

Our board sitting was supposed to be last Friday. The SW let me know that the psychologist had to have an operation and now the sitting would b postponed till 1 November. That wud b this Friday. Now that it's only 2 days away,I am a ball of nerves.  I am so fed up with myself,I dont know what to do!!! The reality is setting in that strangers will be deciding our fate. They dont know us at all,is that good or bad,and yet they will decide the course of our lives on Friday.It wont go the way many others go,where they themselves decide what time is the right time. This is out of our hands. We did the best we could on our end up until this point. All I know is,even though a group of strangers will be deciding if we are fit to be parents,our God will be at the head of that table,taking charge of that meeting and doing what He thinks is best. I could not ask for a better person to be in charge,so now that I think about it,they wont all be strangers. There will be one person I know and He knows us better than anyone out there!!! Thank you Lord,our trust is in you!!!

Here's to praying for good news,little ange baby,we're waiting for you!!!

Till next time...

1 Step Closer!!!

So my birthday has come and gone. I have officialy fallen of the calender,even though I was trying to hold on very tight!!! It's always very uneventfull,since moving from Cape Town. Just me and Hubby for the day. He makes me breakfast(gets better every year),we lunch and supper out. This year when we turned up at the eatery,it was so full on a Thursday eve,that we ended up at WIMPY!!! The pats 4 years he has been working nightshift on my bday,but he always manages to get the day (night) off,making at least one of my weeks shorter!!!

Now to get to the important stuff!!! Our SW contacted me on Friday. The local Sw assured her that he would be here for our home visit on Oct 2nd. Now she just wants to know if he had indeed showed up. Well,he didnt. I made a call to his office on Friday morning and he didnt get back to me. Saturday evening just after 6,while we are heading out to go have my missed bday dinner,there's a knock at the door. What do you know,It's mr Errol Peterson!!!Very casualy dressed and friendly. That moment there was no time to panick,the house is kind of a mess,with blankets all over the couch. Dining room table still has my birthday stuff all over it,accompanied by my scrapbooking and Santa Shoebox goodies. Imagine my horror. You have this picture that everything will be perfect when they show up,and now THIS!!!Also,he washere on Thursday,while we were out.

He came in,sat down,asked a few questions about us,the neighbours,the area,the house,the adoption and off he went!!! That's it,no walking,checking,nothing. He left with us feeling very positive. He assured us that he will be reporting back today and that according to him,everything looks good. Fingers crossed.We left the house in shock and disbelief,hunger gone,I forgot my wallet at home,just plain deurmekaar after that visit. I guess the adrenalin kicked in,but we were on cloud nine!!!Thank you mr Peterson,I thought you were gonna b full af crap and attitude,because of all the calls during these last 4 months!!!

On 25 Oct,we will be included in the group that goes infront of the board to decide if it's yay or nay...We'll talk again then!!!

Till next time...

Oh Pain Pain..go away!!!

Right now I am in front of the pc,heater on,icy feet and I can Barely move. Last nite I just felt a pop in my left hip area and since then I've been in so much PAIN! I've cried numerous times since last nite,but managed to still do some chores and fed my husband twice today,through the pain. It took me an hour to bake an egg,butter bread and make coffee this morning (mind you while sobbing through it the whole time.) Things kept falling on the floor and I struggled to just bend over,but I did. Meantime Hubby is snoring away,blissfully unaware of me and my trouble.Sensitive much?

I contacted our SW. Managed to send a very nice,but firm e-mail and she assured me that she will see to why our home study is taking s long to be completed. I realy just want this over and done with. I WANT TO BE PAPER PREGNANT!!!

This week I made my biggest purchase yet. A complete cot set. Duvet-,bumper- and pillow inners with the covers. The most beautifull set of white linnen with a bear embroidered on. It took some convincing in the store for Mark to agree,but here it is. He realised there and then how hard it will be for him to say no to our kids someday.

When I start to feel so low and longing to hold a little baby in my arms,I start unpacking ll my baby buys,I mean everything! Nothing stays behind. I lay it out in front of me,old it up,hold it close,smell it and then I cry...I know...I'm very naughty. I just cant help it. It eases the pain somewhat,but it's no match for a little body who will be filling them.

Till next time...

A lighter heart!

I was so frustrated at not knowing whats going on,then yesterday I had a change of heart.

I prayed and asked God to take control. I will let go of my anxieties to let Him take his rightfull place as leader of our lives. I almost immediately felt as if a wheight has been lifted. For too long I'v been trying to control my life!
So today I checked my e-mails amd there was just one. I got angry and thought it was these chain mails again. To my suprise it was our SW!!! Now I was scared to read it. Was it good news,bad news or just news?

She just wants to confirm that all is still well. Our local SW is swamped with work,but has agreed to do our home visit,when he gets a chance to.

My heart rejoiced!!! We are still on the books,but mostly because God has shown ma favour! He listened and showed me that I should not doubt Him. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD!!!

Till next time..

It's getting to me...

I'm feeling very frustrated at the momemt. I like to know where I stand and at the moment I have NO idea.

I e-mailed the SW 2 weeks ago and havent received a reply yet. Yesterday again and still nothing. Is it a bad sign? I know these thing take time,but a little feedback wouldnt hurt or just the courtesy of answering an e-mail.

I dont know what to think. The longer I wait ,the more it consumes me and I'm starting to get mad. Is it wrong to feel this way?

Till next time...

WAITING seems to be the word this year...

We are still waiting to hear from the local SW to set a date for our home visit. It's nerve wracking!!! I contacted our SW ,but has not received a reply as of yet. This is getting to me. The panel meeting is next Friday,28 June & we realy,realy want to be apart of that group. Just to get finality on whether or not it's a yes or no! I dont know how I'm gonna cope having to wait another month or what.

A friend of ours who's been married for 5 years,just recently divordced started dating again last year & hid girlfriend is expecting,in her 6th month now. He was very weary of telling me,but I am in a very good state of mind and could be truly happy for them . He told me early on,when she was 9 weeks along. I had made peace with our sotuation.  Having a baby is not something that's on my mind at all anymore. My dreams consists of forms,screenings,courts and receiving a healthy baby to love as my own. Weird,this was not the case 2 years ago. How time changes things.

Just yesterday me and above mentioned friend were swapping pix of baby stuff we had bought. The difference just,their goods are of reality,mine of hope. I know a little body will fill these clothes someday soon and he/she will be all ours!!! What a lovely vision...

Till next time...

Keeping Hubby updated

It's 02:30 and I'm still up,nothing new  for me.

Last night I finaly had hubby read my blog. I loaded it onto his homescreen on his phone for easy access. I dont know how many posts he read,but I am eager to find out what his thoughts are.

On another note...we are waiting to hear when our home visit will be. I would love for all of this to be over by month end,but we'll have to wait and see. I just want to dive into nesting mode already!!!

Still on adoption,it seems as though I am having some trouble with family understanding just how unpredictable the process can be. We are trying to prepare ourselves for a long or short wait,but to them it just comes accross as being to focused on it. We'll suck it up,I'd rather be prepared and have everything in place a year in advance than have to run around in 3 days and depend on hand outs!!!

Till next time...

Screening

We had our screening on Friday.  I dont think I slept the night before!!!

It wasn't as bad as we thought it would be. At least we didn't have to make two trips. It took about 5 hours for the interviews and physometric testing. We do feel positive about it though. Our home visit will be during the month of June and on 28 June the panel will decide if we are suitable or not.

I've been doing a little shopping,sumtin I've waited years for to do. I just love walking in the little clothing isles and feeling the stuff.

I visited my friend who recently had a baby and her baby was exactly 2 months old,the age  our baby will be more or less when we get him/her. It was so good for us to get an idea of how big our baby will be. Plus she was toooo cute!!!

Now we just have to wait for our home visit and we'll be set.

Till next time...

It's coming closer...

It's Sunday today,almost a new week and almost Friday!!!
I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. Adding to the fact that I'm a homemaker with very little to do at the moment,it consumes my mind totally. I tell myself I wont think about it today,but I do,all day. I'm mostly afraid of what can go wrong,negative nelly,but I cant help it. With very few things working out for me,can you blame me?

Till next time...

Date set!!!

The date for our screening is set. Friday,31 May 2013 @10 am.

I have no idea whats waiting for us,but we are looking forward to it. At least we'll b getting a Cape Town weekend out of it and get to go the movies-FAST &FURIOUS 6!!!

Till next time...

We're getting there

Om 1 May 2013 we sent off our application sans Form 30. What do u know,a week later it turned up in the mail. I sent that sucker off immediately!!!! Then we waited for any contact from the social worker.Yesterday I was actualy scanning very thoroughly through my e-mails for just a hint of a reply,but nothing.

TODAY I GOT HE REPLY!!!!Our screening is about to start. We have to supply a date for them and just show up with our bond statement.OMG...check how fast my heart is beating!

Suddenly nothing seems right. The house aint right,the room not ready,I'm not ready. Then I calmed down,sat down,switched on the pc and came up to my blog. Why wouldnt I be ready? All my life I waited for everything and getting very few things of what I wanted. This may actualy be one of the few I will actualy get. What will be the deciding bfactor in us not being approved to raise a child?Other people dont get to be judged on having children,they just have them,whether or notthey can care for them or want them.Here we are (one of many) who wants that,who are capable of caring for a child,but we have to be put through torture to be allowed to raise a child.

Now I say,SO WHAT? I'm ready,BRING IT ON!!! I want that baby,I need that baby. We are ready. I want to sit up all night with a crying baby,sick baby or just look at my baby when it's sleeping. I want to join that club called MOTHERHOOD. I want to change nappies,any kind,even the ones with the poo running oup to the neck. I WANT IT!!!INEED IT!!!

I know my husband will be useless at night with a crying baby,but maybe he'll surprise me? Who knows?

Next time I'll probably be on here with my heart in my throat for whatever reason it may be!

Till next time...

Almost there!!!

We have been waiting patiently for the return on our form30. Nothing yet,so I e-mailed our social worker and she suggested that we send in our forms and get started wiyh the screening process. Now I am so thankful and scared at the same time. This is such an important time in our lives now and we have to take a moment to take it all in.

We have to arrange a meeting with our parish priest for a blessing before we send it off. We need all the help we can get.

We also started a new lifestyle routine and it's not going very well,lol. We are soooo bad at this! In our forms is a column for our wheight and we are having a tough time completing that part...omg...and it shouldnt be at all.

So now it's as if it's becoming real and I want to shout it to the world,but for now it has to stay confined to our hearts.

Till next time...

Just 2 more steps

Our police clearance came back today,finaly!!! Also our HIV test results and medical certificate. Now just the Form30 to return. Then we're on our way. Before we send it off we're gonna ask our Parish Priest to bless the papers,just for an extra bit of hope.

I seriously cant wait for things to start happening. Control freak I am,so it's hard when I dont have a handle on things. This is toatly driving me crazy.

Till next time...

Completing the paperwork

So many things...

Mark had to have a form completed at work for the adoption papers. Idiot HR tells him,it cant be completed,it has to be sent to Salt River. A week later Mark goes for the completed form only to hear that he must complete it himself,the idiot will only have to put an official company stamp on it. Kan jy nou meer!!!

We're waiting for the police clearance to return and then it's just the certifying of our documents. Also our medical assessment has to be completed and it seems as if our GP is gonna be the one to throw a spanner in the works. It looks as if he is gonna give us a bad report. I know we are overwheight,I am obese,I hav hypertension,Mark cholestrol,but we manage it very well,so waht's the problem? I've managed to loose some wheight,6kg's so far***happydance***.

I am very eager to get these papers completed and sent off. We plan on going for a blessing at our Parish just before we mail the papers to the agency.

Cant wait to hold a little baby in my arms,my dreams are consumed by a little soft warm body.

Till next time...

An update

Well,one of the many things that suck about Vredenburg is the connection problems. I can never seem to establish a working conection to get on thr freaking internet!!!i'M HERE NOW,FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER AND IT MAY BE A WHILE AGAIN...

We went for our police clearance last Friday...geez,cant it go smoother?Who organises the set up there? One lucky thing is that they sent the forms away themselves,costing us R18 each,but hey,it's all gonna be worth it in the end.Also sent away our Form 30 enquiry,so we'll have to wait another 2 weeks for any answer from them. We went to the church office yesterday for a letter from the parish priest,now it's just medicals,our copies of our qaulifications and then it's good to go.

I am so anxious about this,I just want it to be quick and painless,as long as we can get on that list!!!

We are so ready for sleepless night,dynamite nappies and everything that comes with it.I am constantly on my phone(lucky network is available there) looking through everything baby. How big will he/she be when we get them. What will be a useless thing to get? Luckily there is so much to read up on,I think I will go overboard in stead of doing just what is nedded. Can you blame me?I;ve after all been waiting for this angel my whole life...

Till next time...

Information session

So we went to the information session at Magdalena Huis yesterday. Met a nice couple in the process,but due to nerves and everything else,fortgot to exchange fone numbers.

Now we know what the process entails. We took the forms,so now the filling in starts and then we'll see what 's next.We are excited to start this new journey.

Also had a little fertility scare on Thursday,wont go into it. Had a gyno app also Thursday,but had to cancel due to a burst geyser...urgh...

Now the road is open and it looks rosy.

Till next time...

Nervousheshness

So we are two weeks away from our orientation with Magdalena Huis.My nerves raak elke dag a bietjie minder!

As the datedraws near I start thinking about many things. How can I loose the wheight in two weeks? Because what will they think of me?FAT AND LAZY,what many people do think.I cant make my house bigger in teo weeks,we cant do all the renovations we plan to do for the year in two weeks,we wont become rich in two weeks.Are those the things they look for? Or are they looking for love,support,stability and security,because that is exactly what we do have.

Then I wonder about our portfolio. We dont have many pictures,many of Mark,none of me or us together. We have lots of holiday pics,but not together or engaging in activities. we dont have many with families kids at all,we have pix of them,but not with us!OH MA GAWD...my head is spinning. we have to jump out and get to clicking!!! Do we do the portfolio in English or Afrikaans? What do we have to do to get it to the top aand for it to be a true reflection of us?

I see tough days ahead.

Till next time...