The Childless Mothersday AGAIN

Waking up this morning,getting ready 4 church,I completely forgot about Mothersday.So here we go off to Church and the moment we sit down a lady walks past and wishes me a Happy Mothersday. She must have seen the shock on my face and with that she asked me if I have children. Now I know she meant good by it ,but she said the thing I hated people telling me. 'if we arent a mother to our own then we are one to others children.' Now someone in my situation would not understand the pain associated with that statement. All've ever wanted was my own children,a housefull in fact. I didnt matter how they would come to us,but they would be mine atleast.

So the service continues and it comes to the point where they ask all mothers to come to the front to be honoured. A blessing is given to them and to those who are expecting and longing.I start chocking up,tears are forming behind my lids and I try to compose myself by opening my eyes. With that I look around and notice that I am the only grown woman still seated among men and Sunday school girls.Now if it wasnt enough that my emotions got the best of me in church,I could feel the emptiness burning inside me.
I could feel the pain and sorrow bubbling up to the servace. I started shaking and I could feel a cry coming on.

I couldnt take it anymore and I didnt want to draw attention to myself so I took my handbag,just whispered to MArk 'I'm going outside' and left.Now know,that I never walk around in church,I dont use the bathroom,dont stretch my legs. I feel its disrespectfull.I felt like I wasnt getting any air,I just needed to get outside to breate. The moment I stepped outside the ugliests gut wrenching noise escaped my throat and that moment I knew  this is it. The walls of the dam  has broken. The mask is falling off my face and with that I have to face the fact that even though I say to people that it' s okay,it will never be.

Trying to find my way to the car,I walk past a firends brother in law and the girl who was pregnant with me at the same time,she went on to have a healthy baby who just turned 4. It felt as is I was  being punished over and over again in a matter of 2 minutes. I got to the car and even then all I could here was this uglyness coming out of my throat. My eyes are red,the tears are rolling down,but it's not crying,it's pure pain.

I never thought I would have this reaction today and for once I dont feel silly about crying about my pain,because today is the day that made me realise,,my pain is valid.

So you who are mother,if it didnt take you years of pain to hold that precious child,think twice before you say something that could hurt a person like me. Your time will come is an empty promise. You are a mom at heart is not as fullfilling as being a mom in life. Many wont understand the pain we go through,myself and my husband,but if your heart is open and pure then you will try to understand that everyday is a painfull reminder of what  isnt,what could be,what may never be and what we pray for relentlessly.

So I guess today was not one of my best days and I doubt if tommorrow will b either.

All in all,I will try to celebrate my Grans-Fransiena & Francis,my mom-Maureen,Aunts,cousins,my mother-in-law-Mary,sisters-in-law,Patsy & Esther!

That old feeling

Yesterday was as normal a day for me as always,until about 16h00.

It's been just 2 months since we decided on our little baby breakbut yesterday,sho,was one of those days. While just waiting for time to pass before I start  dinner I suddenly had that nagging,very familiar feeling. My heart just fell to the floor and I was a balll of emotion. Tears kept rolling down my face as I was misding something I dont have terribly.

The pain of my empty lap was suddenly very bad. I dont know what it was or why it was,butI couldnt help myself. I was crying all through my cooking as I couldnt stop the tears. It was as if I had just received news of a passing,that was how intense the crying was.

When Mark stepped in,I brought up the fact of sudden sadness. We discussed it and about what our options would be,will we apply again for adoption or concider surrogacy.Also reminding ourselves of the year off and meassages we received. Still,the pain and emptyness is here,at this moment.

I dreamt about a little baby jus this morning,I cried again this afternoon for something stupid on tv. Looks my emotional well being took ablow yesterday and I dont know what to do about it. I am just looking for an answer in any way or form.

As for now,I slipped back into the longing and crying fase. Hoping that a solution will come in form of an answer to our prayers.

TILL NEXT TIME...

Well,well ,well

So I decided to come back for a little visit. Thanx to my little friend surfing via a BB10 from the Arab Emrates. I was not planning on being here,since I had started a new blog (check it out),but this is still the place to talk about my yearning for that family that keeps slipping thru my fingers.

Just because it's an OFF year,does not mean we let go of our dream. It's still as big as ever,we just want something else to be first choice this year.

To tell the truth, I do feel lighter since we had taken a break. There is no talk of papers,forms,doctors,ivf,iui,surrogates,nothing. It feels as if my soul is starting to heal, because you know it has to,we dont know what will be waiting beyond the borders of  2014 on us. I am looking forward to maybe studying this year,taking a trip,hell,how about a new language (u neva know where u might end up). A defnite is doing some renovations at home. I finaly can give all my energy to something else,downside is somtimes I give too much e nergy. Just yesterday I told Mark I want to go volunteer at the childrens home around the corner from us,but would that be good for my being?

How about getting a job,spoken as if it's easy to do. I realy want to devote myself to yhings that will make me better this year. Sometimes I think,what about a year of love and marriage? Yes,that would be great,but we are the lucky ones. Through our years of struggle,we remained close,if not growing closer. We just wanted to be parents so much that at times we forgot that we are still a couple. I thank God that we never even came close to the point of blaming each other,instead we would just talk endlessly about it.

Today I just want to BE. I thank God for making us realise that we have followed our own path for too long and for helping us on the road to making the decision to have Him lead and  we will follow. Thank You for sending a stranger eith a massage on New Years Eve and speaking through the preacher,giving the same message yhe evening in church. From 2014 on,in God we fully and completely trust!!!

Till next time...