Thursday, 18 June 2015

The loss we didnt think would happen again ...Part 2

I apologise to those who read and assumed that I 'm still expecting,so I figured I better hurry up and continue the story...

Having had a misscarriage before ,I was paranoid about bleeding and cramps. I know cramping is usuaoy normal,due to stretching,but the bleeding urked me. Everytime I would use the toilet,which was hourly, I'd make sure there was no blood until Sunday 31st of May,I started spotting. Tiny bit atleast once a day. I get worried,I cry,I call my doctor. Since I am so far away ,he tells me to just watch it. It musnt get heavier and if U have extreme cramping to go in.  I even have Mark go in with a flashlight to see if I maybe have a cut or something that is causing this tiny amount of blood.

The whole week it changes from pink to brown to pink. No heavier than a wipe,no cramping or pain,but my symptoms seem to have dissapeared,the few I had.

We are still very carefully tring to get excited and plan the next 7 months out. We talk about everything baby,but I dont wanna jinx it by talking names.

There was indeed 1 upside to the oregnancy for the 3 or so weeks...the dreams I was having. I was even embarrased to tell Mark about it ,but I thought what the hell,he should know. I wont go into too many details,but they were steamy and very realistic...

Now, Sunday morning (07.06.2015 around 03h40) , I get up for my 100th trip to the toilet. I sit down and 2 blobs just pop out of me followed by a stream of blood. My brain goes into overdrive. I call Mark,but he is sleeping and only wakes up when I start banging om the bathroom door with my fist! After that nothing else comes out. Now I'm a mess... I contact my doctor and he immediately replies. 'The only way we'll know is if I come in so they can do a sonogram.' The doctor on stanby is there ,but if I want to see him I must come in on Monday. Now realy,the only 2 people I trust with my lady bits is my husband and my ob/gyn,so we decide we'll go in on Monday rather.

Here we are,the 2 of us sitting in the lounge waiting for the rest of it to pass through my body,but nothing happens,. Around 8 we let our parents know whats going on and that we'll be in CT the afternoon. The bleeding is still not heavy and I have no cramps or pain,which is giving me false hope.

Sunday evening we have family laying their hands on me and praying for the baby to still be safe...

There is no baby visible on the sonogram,just a gray mass of tissue lying in my womb. I'm trying to keep myself together,this crying in the doctors rooms are becomming a habit. Mark is holding my hand the whole time as the gynae explains to us shat might have gone wrong. Then his tone changes,he gets this sad sound in his voice and he puts his hand on my arm and starts to rub it very gently. That's when I lost it. I realy cant handle people being sympathetic towards me.

He has been walking this road with us for 6 years,he has been my gynae for 13 years,so I guess there would be some imotional investment there. Both Mark and myself has cried in that office,we laughed in there,we are comfortable in there. We went through treatment that failed,treatment that helped and results that made us loose hope. He was there through the adoption process,wanting to try ivf,surrogacy...everything.  At times he didnt even bill us . He once told us that we must rememver,there is a Man upstairs who still creates miracles,so never loose hope.

My heart realy broke at that moment. To think that something was alive inside of me,we finaly created a life...and now it's gone.

He wants to see us in 2 weeks again. Prescribed medication to cause contractions to expel the tissue and pain meds. We leave his office and his receptionist is speechless. She comes out from behind the counter and gives us a hug,saying she'll pray for us and we will have a baby. I just want to go home and feel sorry for myself in private.

We have to tell, our parents and we make it as quick as possible,we just want to get home...

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