The Childless Mothersday AGAIN

Waking up this morning,getting ready 4 church,I completely forgot about Mothersday.So here we go off to Church and the moment we sit down a lady walks past and wishes me a Happy Mothersday. She must have seen the shock on my face and with that she asked me if I have children. Now I know she meant good by it ,but she said the thing I hated people telling me. 'if we arent a mother to our own then we are one to others children.' Now someone in my situation would not understand the pain associated with that statement. All've ever wanted was my own children,a housefull in fact. I didnt matter how they would come to us,but they would be mine atleast.

So the service continues and it comes to the point where they ask all mothers to come to the front to be honoured. A blessing is given to them and to those who are expecting and longing.I start chocking up,tears are forming behind my lids and I try to compose myself by opening my eyes. With that I look around and notice that I am the only grown woman still seated among men and Sunday school girls.Now if it wasnt enough that my emotions got the best of me in church,I could feel the emptiness burning inside me.
I could feel the pain and sorrow bubbling up to the servace. I started shaking and I could feel a cry coming on.

I couldnt take it anymore and I didnt want to draw attention to myself so I took my handbag,just whispered to MArk 'I'm going outside' and left.Now know,that I never walk around in church,I dont use the bathroom,dont stretch my legs. I feel its disrespectfull.I felt like I wasnt getting any air,I just needed to get outside to breate. The moment I stepped outside the ugliests gut wrenching noise escaped my throat and that moment I knew  this is it. The walls of the dam  has broken. The mask is falling off my face and with that I have to face the fact that even though I say to people that it' s okay,it will never be.

Trying to find my way to the car,I walk past a firends brother in law and the girl who was pregnant with me at the same time,she went on to have a healthy baby who just turned 4. It felt as is I was  being punished over and over again in a matter of 2 minutes. I got to the car and even then all I could here was this uglyness coming out of my throat. My eyes are red,the tears are rolling down,but it's not crying,it's pure pain.

I never thought I would have this reaction today and for once I dont feel silly about crying about my pain,because today is the day that made me realise,,my pain is valid.

So you who are mother,if it didnt take you years of pain to hold that precious child,think twice before you say something that could hurt a person like me. Your time will come is an empty promise. You are a mom at heart is not as fullfilling as being a mom in life. Many wont understand the pain we go through,myself and my husband,but if your heart is open and pure then you will try to understand that everyday is a painfull reminder of what  isnt,what could be,what may never be and what we pray for relentlessly.

So I guess today was not one of my best days and I doubt if tommorrow will b either.

All in all,I will try to celebrate my Grans-Fransiena & Francis,my mom-Maureen,Aunts,cousins,my mother-in-law-Mary,sisters-in-law,Patsy & Esther!

That old feeling

Yesterday was as normal a day for me as always,until about 16h00.

It's been just 2 months since we decided on our little baby breakbut yesterday,sho,was one of those days. While just waiting for time to pass before I start  dinner I suddenly had that nagging,very familiar feeling. My heart just fell to the floor and I was a balll of emotion. Tears kept rolling down my face as I was misding something I dont have terribly.

The pain of my empty lap was suddenly very bad. I dont know what it was or why it was,butI couldnt help myself. I was crying all through my cooking as I couldnt stop the tears. It was as if I had just received news of a passing,that was how intense the crying was.

When Mark stepped in,I brought up the fact of sudden sadness. We discussed it and about what our options would be,will we apply again for adoption or concider surrogacy.Also reminding ourselves of the year off and meassages we received. Still,the pain and emptyness is here,at this moment.

I dreamt about a little baby jus this morning,I cried again this afternoon for something stupid on tv. Looks my emotional well being took ablow yesterday and I dont know what to do about it. I am just looking for an answer in any way or form.

As for now,I slipped back into the longing and crying fase. Hoping that a solution will come in form of an answer to our prayers.

TILL NEXT TIME...

Well,well ,well

So I decided to come back for a little visit. Thanx to my little friend surfing via a BB10 from the Arab Emrates. I was not planning on being here,since I had started a new blog (check it out),but this is still the place to talk about my yearning for that family that keeps slipping thru my fingers.

Just because it's an OFF year,does not mean we let go of our dream. It's still as big as ever,we just want something else to be first choice this year.

To tell the truth, I do feel lighter since we had taken a break. There is no talk of papers,forms,doctors,ivf,iui,surrogates,nothing. It feels as if my soul is starting to heal, because you know it has to,we dont know what will be waiting beyond the borders of  2014 on us. I am looking forward to maybe studying this year,taking a trip,hell,how about a new language (u neva know where u might end up). A defnite is doing some renovations at home. I finaly can give all my energy to something else,downside is somtimes I give too much e nergy. Just yesterday I told Mark I want to go volunteer at the childrens home around the corner from us,but would that be good for my being?

How about getting a job,spoken as if it's easy to do. I realy want to devote myself to yhings that will make me better this year. Sometimes I think,what about a year of love and marriage? Yes,that would be great,but we are the lucky ones. Through our years of struggle,we remained close,if not growing closer. We just wanted to be parents so much that at times we forgot that we are still a couple. I thank God that we never even came close to the point of blaming each other,instead we would just talk endlessly about it.

Today I just want to BE. I thank God for making us realise that we have followed our own path for too long and for helping us on the road to making the decision to have Him lead and  we will follow. Thank You for sending a stranger eith a massage on New Years Eve and speaking through the preacher,giving the same message yhe evening in church. From 2014 on,in God we fully and completely trust!!!

Till next time...

D Day

On Friday ,08 November 2013 around 10am,I receive the e-mail we've been waiting for. "YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN DENIED"

Yes,we were waiting for news,but were not expecting that news! I broke down crying,calling Mark at work and he came straight home. The gut punch was this,when receiving the mail,I was busy taking stock of our baby purchases,to see what else we need.

He came home,we didnt talk,just cried. I mean,what was there to say at that moment? Calming down,we immediately went into survival mode 'what do we do now?'

I contacted a few private SW's and they all want to know the same thing "why were you denied?" A question we could not answer,we dont know if Magdalena Huis will ever answer us,so what now?

Calling my mother,she asked what about surrogacy ? Now that is a costly one,but we'll get to that maybe today,maybe some other time.

Now we are against the wall,everyone wants to know WHY. Our family,friends and even our doctors cannot understand how they came to the decision. Theze are ppl who are in regular contact with us,but the ones who's neva met us decided that we are not fit to be parents.

So finaly I get an answer back and it says that the committee was concerned about our LIFESTYLE,our physical,emotional and spiritual well being. Is that not everything about us? What is SO wrong with our lifestyle? We are happily married for 6 years,with a normal dinamic. Yes,we have a health issue each,but we are taking care to control it. I dont believe our emotional or spiritual state ia anything less than normal. So what about us caused a decision to be made aganst us?

All we wanted was a baby to love and take care of. We jumped through all the hoops and waisted a whole year in the process. Our hearts are broken and we feel like we failed that little baby who we've been e for so patiently.

So,we've decided to take a year for ourselves. We've been consumed with having a baby for almost 7 years straight ,in the process forgetting everything else. We. passed so Many oppertunities because very year would be the year that. we have our baby. Well no baby for 2014. We will be working on our home,studies,traveling,living.  It will be  our off year,so to speak. We will explore our optiond again as 2015 is apon us,God willing,but for now  2014 will be our baby free year.

Everything has taken so much emotionaly from us,we just want to tske a break ang gather ourselves. Making this decision may seem as if the adoption has not affected us to the outside world,but it is because it's affecting us so much that we need to ke some time for ourselves and just live a little.

I dont know when or if I'll b back here,but the journey will always continue until we breath our last breath.

Till next time...

It's over and done with

Friday was the board sitting for our adoption application. I'm guessing it happened,because I did not hear anything from them again. The decision was made and there's nothing to be done about it now. We just have to wait  until we hear from our SW about what the outcome was. She has got nothing to do with the final decision,all she could do was tell them about her experience with us and the impression she had of us. That would be the second SW job too and I felt positive about our meetings with both of them. I'm just hoping and praying for god news this coming week.

I was,and still am,so nervous!!! Friday I received a ton of msgs from friends just with one question - het julle nog niks gehoor nie? Laat weet my sodra hulle laat weet!!! (have yu heard anything yet? Let me know as soon as they contact you!!!) It melted my heart and made me more nervous at the same time. One msg even came all the way from Italy!!! Just shows that we do have many people in our corner,praying with us for this life changing change to happen. Many of these people dont even remember when my birthday is,thank you facebook,but they remembered that the decision was being made on Friday. Realy,realy heart warming. IF SOMEDAY YOU GET TO READ MY BLOG,THANK YOU,YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I PRAY THAT ALL THE GOOD FAVOUR MAY BE RETURNED ON YOUR LIVES. MWAH MY FRIENDS!!!

Seriously now,the next time I come here will be to post the results...either way,it"s going to change our lives.

Till next time...