For Joy and who ever may follow...

This is one I've been sitting on for while. Not because I didn't know what to say, but because it's a sensitive issue.

Lord Charles Dec 2013

January 11, 2016 , after a fun filled holiday and only a week (I think) before school started, the eldest grandchild on the Jardine side, was told she had LEUKEMIA.  14 years old, one of few who enjoyed school, lives an active life, participates in almost everything, healthy, healthy with a side of attitude and too much backchat ( I say and she knows I say it) has Leukemia. To many ,they just hear Cancer.

I realy do hate that day. It's a day that when I put down my phone, after the call, I immediately fell to my knees, right where I was sitting and I prayed. All I asked was for God to keep her safe and to not make her suffer. What ever His  will is, we have to abide by, but all I asked, begged and pleaded was for her to not suffer through this and to come out stronger after this has passed. Now I am 100%  sure the whole family did the same at that moment, cause we still believe in prayer. I've never even prayed for myself or my situation like that. You know what? God always comes through.

                              Early on in hospital

She is handeling this like a pro. She never complains. In the morning I'd ask how she was feeling, her answer? Great Aunty Joy.  Yes , she will say if something is not right or if she's tired, but we've never heard her complain.

With Doctor Dad

The road to recovery is still long with another round of chemo waiting after Easter, but she's going to make it. We always say, we've prayed about it so now we don't need to worry. He's got it.  We've always believed during her process that she will be fine. I wish I haf the video of her dancing in Church this past Sunday with her  spiritual dance group. It's a sight to be seen. The group has been dancing with Sunflower fund bandanas since her diagnosis and the school has also showed their support . I think that is too sweet.

Dancing at her grandma's 70th

On holiday Dec '15/Jan '16 

During this process her brother may be the funniest and sweetest thing alive. You can see he misses her being at home and when she is allowed to go home,  he doesn't want to go to school.  We try  to make a point of it to make him feel like it's not just all about Joy now and yet, he is handeling this very, very well.  Hey, he will be playing a big part in his sisters' recovery after all. Anyone say Superman?

Joel

So now we are here. The four of them are on a short holiday, thanks to Reach for a Dream .  They were very excited about their first plane ride, as anyone would be. Hoping they enjoy the adventure they had been blessed with.

On their way to airport.

There is a reason why it had to be you, Joy. Any one of us would have acted like little babies, like our world was falling apart. You have showen us that what's happening to our bodies will not define us. Just because our bodies are sick, doesn't mean that we have to act cripple.  You got up, you made almost a new home in hospital ( it's funny , the stories we hear).  You are an inspiration to many of us.  You are prayed for, loved and admired. Appreciate what your parents are doing, what Joel is doing and when all of this is over, you will be better for it. 

On their trip over this weekend.

You are strong and vibrant and I have a feeling you will always be.

Christmas 2015

Oh and I will be making that Calzone for you and we have to go get our nails done again soon.

Till next time...

This is my therapy...

So...this would have been a very important day in our home. We would have been busy preparing our eldest for the 1st day of school. Knowing me , I would have been fanatic about it and would've had everything ready and waiting before Christmas already. I am that crazy OCD lady at times.

Also , this would've been the time where either baby nr.2 has made his/her arrival or were very close to it. I am  pretty sure it would've been  chaotic around here!!!

My husband also turned the big 4-0 on Wednesday. Our family would've been complete by the time he hit that mark. Well...it's not.

This is why I see this as my therapy. I love talking about things. I dont want this situation to eat me from the inside. Problem is, not many people like to talk about these things. Granted, everyone has their own way of dealing with things , but mine is talking. Now since I cant talk, I write.

I dont feel like I'm dying inside. I'm not missing something I never had. I'm ok. I realy thought this month would be the hardest for me,but it's not. My heart is at peace. I have a grandmother in heaven who is looking after our angel babies, so Why would I worry? Our time will come to send our kids to school. To cry more than they do and to anxiously wait for the first day to be over for them. Our time will come...God just has'nt given us the answer yet (31.12.2013).

Until then I will come here for my therapy session to the few who will read this and find peace in knowing that something extra special is being prepared for us.

Good luck Moms who are sending little ones off to big school. Appreciate the moment and carry us, who long for that moment, in your hearts as we will you.

Till next time...

The aftermath...

I went for my check-up and the only concerning thing was the myomas and their size. So my ob/gyn wants us to still have  a chance by me having a myectomy,but since mine is too big for him to remove,he wants a specialist to do it. Since I havent heard from him,I guess they havent come back to him yet.

Emotionaly I am fine,but physically this is killing me. I've had this radiating lower back,right hip and right leg pain for a about 2 years. Always figured it was due to my cycles. With research I discovered  that the myomas actualy cause these pains.  It's so bad that I cant move. I cant get up,sit down,stand,sit,walk properly when it strikes-which is daily now. It's making life difficult for me. Since we want to eat healthy,when it's bad,I cant cook,now we have to do something quick with the go to bread or a take away. My house is a mess,I sweep when I feel decent,but other than that everything has to wait till the pain subsides somewhat. I cant go to the shops and do a proper shop. Cant sit in the car for long since the pain is unbearable.

This had me puzzled for some time. When we would drive to CT , I would start to complain about leg pain after 20 minutes. The combination of pain would strike at different times during my cycle,which would make me wonder why. Nothing is helping to make it easier.

As of this moment my fear is that the myomas will grow too big and they will have to remove my womb. The constant pain in making me panicky,Mark tells me I worry to much,but I cant help it. Sometimes,like this moment ,it's soooo bad that the tears are streaming down my face,only because I dont know what else to do . My days currently consist of trying to find a position that causes me the least amount of discomfort.

I do my own housework,cooking,shopping ,everything. Yet now I feel like those people who cant put their own shoes on and it's killing me...

The loss we didnt think would happen again ...Part 2

I apologise to those who read and assumed that I 'm still expecting,so I figured I better hurry up and continue the story...

Having had a misscarriage before ,I was paranoid about bleeding and cramps. I know cramping is usuaoy normal,due to stretching,but the bleeding urked me. Everytime I would use the toilet,which was hourly, I'd make sure there was no blood until Sunday 31st of May,I started spotting. Tiny bit atleast once a day. I get worried,I cry,I call my doctor. Since I am so far away ,he tells me to just watch it. It musnt get heavier and if U have extreme cramping to go in.  I even have Mark go in with a flashlight to see if I maybe have a cut or something that is causing this tiny amount of blood.

The whole week it changes from pink to brown to pink. No heavier than a wipe,no cramping or pain,but my symptoms seem to have dissapeared,the few I had.

We are still very carefully tring to get excited and plan the next 7 months out. We talk about everything baby,but I dont wanna jinx it by talking names.

There was indeed 1 upside to the oregnancy for the 3 or so weeks...the dreams I was having. I was even embarrased to tell Mark about it ,but I thought what the hell,he should know. I wont go into too many details,but they were steamy and very realistic...

Now, Sunday morning (07.06.2015 around 03h40) , I get up for my 100th trip to the toilet. I sit down and 2 blobs just pop out of me followed by a stream of blood. My brain goes into overdrive. I call Mark,but he is sleeping and only wakes up when I start banging om the bathroom door with my fist! After that nothing else comes out. Now I'm a mess... I contact my doctor and he immediately replies. 'The only way we'll know is if I come in so they can do a sonogram.' The doctor on stanby is there ,but if I want to see him I must come in on Monday. Now realy,the only 2 people I trust with my lady bits is my husband and my ob/gyn,so we decide we'll go in on Monday rather.

Here we are,the 2 of us sitting in the lounge waiting for the rest of it to pass through my body,but nothing happens,. Around 8 we let our parents know whats going on and that we'll be in CT the afternoon. The bleeding is still not heavy and I have no cramps or pain,which is giving me false hope.

Sunday evening we have family laying their hands on me and praying for the baby to still be safe...

There is no baby visible on the sonogram,just a gray mass of tissue lying in my womb. I'm trying to keep myself together,this crying in the doctors rooms are becomming a habit. Mark is holding my hand the whole time as the gynae explains to us shat might have gone wrong. Then his tone changes,he gets this sad sound in his voice and he puts his hand on my arm and starts to rub it very gently. That's when I lost it. I realy cant handle people being sympathetic towards me.

He has been walking this road with us for 6 years,he has been my gynae for 13 years,so I guess there would be some imotional investment there. Both Mark and myself has cried in that office,we laughed in there,we are comfortable in there. We went through treatment that failed,treatment that helped and results that made us loose hope. He was there through the adoption process,wanting to try ivf,surrogacy...everything.  At times he didnt even bill us . He once told us that we must rememver,there is a Man upstairs who still creates miracles,so never loose hope.

My heart realy broke at that moment. To think that something was alive inside of me,we finaly created a life...and now it's gone.

He wants to see us in 2 weeks again. Prescribed medication to cause contractions to expel the tissue and pain meds. We leave his office and his receptionist is speechless. She comes out from behind the counter and gives us a hug,saying she'll pray for us and we will have a baby. I just want to go home and feel sorry for myself in private.

We have to tell, our parents and we make it as quick as possible,we just want to get home...

The loss we didnt think would happen...again Part 1

The loss we didnt think would happen...again Part 1

So,imagine our surprise when we do a preg test the evening of 19 May 2015...and it's positive!We went on holiday with friends on the 18th of May to our fave little place...Plett.

Now when we go there I love to indulge in red wine and chocolates. Well,banting completely destroyed my love for choccies and I could not find my fave wine anywhere!!!

The Friday before I went for my 5 month check-up,being at the end of my 2ww,it wasnt strange that the doctor told ma that I had some blood in my urine and white blood cells (due to pms yeast infection). Expecting to receive aunt Flo by Monday for the latest, we just went on our way. My breast tenderness dissapeared and suddenly showed up the Sunday night again.Monday,no period,Tuesday nothing!!! This made us decide to buy a test and just see whats going on. Now,u have to know,I didnt have high hopes,since we have been supporting this hcg industry for the past 6 years faithfully and all with negative results.We get back to resort and we debate on whether or not to do it now or in the morning. Next door is a bottle red wine waiting and I decide to rather do it,just to get this out the way. As soon as my urine hit that stick the line,which has evaded us for 6 years, appear and all I can say is 'oh my God,oh my God,oh my God' repeatedly until I managed to pull my pants up ,wash my hands and leave the bathroom.I just handed the test to Mark and we just looked at each other,not knowing what to do next.

We cant allow ourselves to get excited,we are older,wiser,we've suffered a loss in 2009 and we just cant get excited before we see that there is actualy a little bean growing in there,but we do talk about it non stop,when we're alone. Luckily I had an appointment at my ob/gyn for the following Monday,which I immediately the next morning,after doing another test,confirmed.

So the holiday is over,we are anxious,we dont want to get anyone excited just to be dissapointed again.Monday we are at the doctors office,the receptionist,lovely warm lady,is so excited for us and the doctor is running late as usual,we know him like that. Almost 2 hours later he picks up my file,sees the pregnancy form and gets this huge grin on his face asking us,in the waiting room infront of other patients very loudly 'is dit regtig sulke tyd?'. Walking in he tells Mark 'Jy sê jy het a goal gescore?'. We chat a little,go through my file about our previous loss,fills in the form and all I want to do is go into the other room and see whats happening inside!!! He also tells us to forget about the negative things the other doctor told us back then. I know the risks,he knows the risks and he will do his best to see us through...I love my gynae!!!

All 3 of us in the darm examination room,me with may pants off and the doc ready with his equipment to get started. Fisrt thing he tells us that there definately is a pregnancy but then he focusses on the myomas on my womb and this seems to worry him. He measures them and then starts to look for the bean and low and behold...THERE IT IS!!! A little heart beating away,this is also the first time I actualy look at the screen and start breathing again.Although he is concerned about the myomas ,he doesnt let us in on too much,letting us know the risks and that many have had healthy babies and pregnancies with the fibroids.We leave happy, gonna tell the family now.

Excitement all around. 

The Childless Mothersday AGAIN

Waking up this morning,getting ready 4 church,I completely forgot about Mothersday.So here we go off to Church and the moment we sit down a lady walks past and wishes me a Happy Mothersday. She must have seen the shock on my face and with that she asked me if I have children. Now I know she meant good by it ,but she said the thing I hated people telling me. 'if we arent a mother to our own then we are one to others children.' Now someone in my situation would not understand the pain associated with that statement. All've ever wanted was my own children,a housefull in fact. I didnt matter how they would come to us,but they would be mine atleast.

So the service continues and it comes to the point where they ask all mothers to come to the front to be honoured. A blessing is given to them and to those who are expecting and longing.I start chocking up,tears are forming behind my lids and I try to compose myself by opening my eyes. With that I look around and notice that I am the only grown woman still seated among men and Sunday school girls.Now if it wasnt enough that my emotions got the best of me in church,I could feel the emptiness burning inside me.
I could feel the pain and sorrow bubbling up to the servace. I started shaking and I could feel a cry coming on.

I couldnt take it anymore and I didnt want to draw attention to myself so I took my handbag,just whispered to MArk 'I'm going outside' and left.Now know,that I never walk around in church,I dont use the bathroom,dont stretch my legs. I feel its disrespectfull.I felt like I wasnt getting any air,I just needed to get outside to breate. The moment I stepped outside the ugliests gut wrenching noise escaped my throat and that moment I knew  this is it. The walls of the dam  has broken. The mask is falling off my face and with that I have to face the fact that even though I say to people that it' s okay,it will never be.

Trying to find my way to the car,I walk past a firends brother in law and the girl who was pregnant with me at the same time,she went on to have a healthy baby who just turned 4. It felt as is I was  being punished over and over again in a matter of 2 minutes. I got to the car and even then all I could here was this uglyness coming out of my throat. My eyes are red,the tears are rolling down,but it's not crying,it's pure pain.

I never thought I would have this reaction today and for once I dont feel silly about crying about my pain,because today is the day that made me realise,,my pain is valid.

So you who are mother,if it didnt take you years of pain to hold that precious child,think twice before you say something that could hurt a person like me. Your time will come is an empty promise. You are a mom at heart is not as fullfilling as being a mom in life. Many wont understand the pain we go through,myself and my husband,but if your heart is open and pure then you will try to understand that everyday is a painfull reminder of what  isnt,what could be,what may never be and what we pray for relentlessly.

So I guess today was not one of my best days and I doubt if tommorrow will b either.

All in all,I will try to celebrate my Grans-Fransiena & Francis,my mom-Maureen,Aunts,cousins,my mother-in-law-Mary,sisters-in-law,Patsy & Esther!

That old feeling

Yesterday was as normal a day for me as always,until about 16h00.

It's been just 2 months since we decided on our little baby breakbut yesterday,sho,was one of those days. While just waiting for time to pass before I start  dinner I suddenly had that nagging,very familiar feeling. My heart just fell to the floor and I was a balll of emotion. Tears kept rolling down my face as I was misding something I dont have terribly.

The pain of my empty lap was suddenly very bad. I dont know what it was or why it was,butI couldnt help myself. I was crying all through my cooking as I couldnt stop the tears. It was as if I had just received news of a passing,that was how intense the crying was.

When Mark stepped in,I brought up the fact of sudden sadness. We discussed it and about what our options would be,will we apply again for adoption or concider surrogacy.Also reminding ourselves of the year off and meassages we received. Still,the pain and emptyness is here,at this moment.

I dreamt about a little baby jus this morning,I cried again this afternoon for something stupid on tv. Looks my emotional well being took ablow yesterday and I dont know what to do about it. I am just looking for an answer in any way or form.

As for now,I slipped back into the longing and crying fase. Hoping that a solution will come in form of an answer to our prayers.

TILL NEXT TIME...

Well,well ,well

So I decided to come back for a little visit. Thanx to my little friend surfing via a BB10 from the Arab Emrates. I was not planning on being here,since I had started a new blog (check it out),but this is still the place to talk about my yearning for that family that keeps slipping thru my fingers.

Just because it's an OFF year,does not mean we let go of our dream. It's still as big as ever,we just want something else to be first choice this year.

To tell the truth, I do feel lighter since we had taken a break. There is no talk of papers,forms,doctors,ivf,iui,surrogates,nothing. It feels as if my soul is starting to heal, because you know it has to,we dont know what will be waiting beyond the borders of  2014 on us. I am looking forward to maybe studying this year,taking a trip,hell,how about a new language (u neva know where u might end up). A defnite is doing some renovations at home. I finaly can give all my energy to something else,downside is somtimes I give too much e nergy. Just yesterday I told Mark I want to go volunteer at the childrens home around the corner from us,but would that be good for my being?

How about getting a job,spoken as if it's easy to do. I realy want to devote myself to yhings that will make me better this year. Sometimes I think,what about a year of love and marriage? Yes,that would be great,but we are the lucky ones. Through our years of struggle,we remained close,if not growing closer. We just wanted to be parents so much that at times we forgot that we are still a couple. I thank God that we never even came close to the point of blaming each other,instead we would just talk endlessly about it.

Today I just want to BE. I thank God for making us realise that we have followed our own path for too long and for helping us on the road to making the decision to have Him lead and  we will follow. Thank You for sending a stranger eith a massage on New Years Eve and speaking through the preacher,giving the same message yhe evening in church. From 2014 on,in God we fully and completely trust!!!

Till next time...

D Day

On Friday ,08 November 2013 around 10am,I receive the e-mail we've been waiting for. "YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN DENIED"

Yes,we were waiting for news,but were not expecting that news! I broke down crying,calling Mark at work and he came straight home. The gut punch was this,when receiving the mail,I was busy taking stock of our baby purchases,to see what else we need.

He came home,we didnt talk,just cried. I mean,what was there to say at that moment? Calming down,we immediately went into survival mode 'what do we do now?'

I contacted a few private SW's and they all want to know the same thing "why were you denied?" A question we could not answer,we dont know if Magdalena Huis will ever answer us,so what now?

Calling my mother,she asked what about surrogacy ? Now that is a costly one,but we'll get to that maybe today,maybe some other time.

Now we are against the wall,everyone wants to know WHY. Our family,friends and even our doctors cannot understand how they came to the decision. Theze are ppl who are in regular contact with us,but the ones who's neva met us decided that we are not fit to be parents.

So finaly I get an answer back and it says that the committee was concerned about our LIFESTYLE,our physical,emotional and spiritual well being. Is that not everything about us? What is SO wrong with our lifestyle? We are happily married for 6 years,with a normal dinamic. Yes,we have a health issue each,but we are taking care to control it. I dont believe our emotional or spiritual state ia anything less than normal. So what about us caused a decision to be made aganst us?

All we wanted was a baby to love and take care of. We jumped through all the hoops and waisted a whole year in the process. Our hearts are broken and we feel like we failed that little baby who we've been e for so patiently.

So,we've decided to take a year for ourselves. We've been consumed with having a baby for almost 7 years straight ,in the process forgetting everything else. We. passed so Many oppertunities because very year would be the year that. we have our baby. Well no baby for 2014. We will be working on our home,studies,traveling,living.  It will be  our off year,so to speak. We will explore our optiond again as 2015 is apon us,God willing,but for now  2014 will be our baby free year.

Everything has taken so much emotionaly from us,we just want to tske a break ang gather ourselves. Making this decision may seem as if the adoption has not affected us to the outside world,but it is because it's affecting us so much that we need to ke some time for ourselves and just live a little.

I dont know when or if I'll b back here,but the journey will always continue until we breath our last breath.

Till next time...

It's over and done with

Friday was the board sitting for our adoption application. I'm guessing it happened,because I did not hear anything from them again. The decision was made and there's nothing to be done about it now. We just have to wait  until we hear from our SW about what the outcome was. She has got nothing to do with the final decision,all she could do was tell them about her experience with us and the impression she had of us. That would be the second SW job too and I felt positive about our meetings with both of them. I'm just hoping and praying for god news this coming week.

I was,and still am,so nervous!!! Friday I received a ton of msgs from friends just with one question - het julle nog niks gehoor nie? Laat weet my sodra hulle laat weet!!! (have yu heard anything yet? Let me know as soon as they contact you!!!) It melted my heart and made me more nervous at the same time. One msg even came all the way from Italy!!! Just shows that we do have many people in our corner,praying with us for this life changing change to happen. Many of these people dont even remember when my birthday is,thank you facebook,but they remembered that the decision was being made on Friday. Realy,realy heart warming. IF SOMEDAY YOU GET TO READ MY BLOG,THANK YOU,YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I PRAY THAT ALL THE GOOD FAVOUR MAY BE RETURNED ON YOUR LIVES. MWAH MY FRIENDS!!!

Seriously now,the next time I come here will be to post the results...either way,it"s going to change our lives.

Till next time...

My nerves knows no end...

Our board sitting was supposed to be last Friday. The SW let me know that the psychologist had to have an operation and now the sitting would b postponed till 1 November. That wud b this Friday. Now that it's only 2 days away,I am a ball of nerves.  I am so fed up with myself,I dont know what to do!!! The reality is setting in that strangers will be deciding our fate. They dont know us at all,is that good or bad,and yet they will decide the course of our lives on Friday.It wont go the way many others go,where they themselves decide what time is the right time. This is out of our hands. We did the best we could on our end up until this point. All I know is,even though a group of strangers will be deciding if we are fit to be parents,our God will be at the head of that table,taking charge of that meeting and doing what He thinks is best. I could not ask for a better person to be in charge,so now that I think about it,they wont all be strangers. There will be one person I know and He knows us better than anyone out there!!! Thank you Lord,our trust is in you!!!

Here's to praying for good news,little ange baby,we're waiting for you!!!

Till next time...

I love to touch it!!!!



My heart is racing,I dont know how I'll make it to the end of this month!!!

We have been shopping a little and I thought I'd just load a few pix of what we bought.I'll be vacuum sealing all my stuff soon to keep it in good condition.Untill then ,I take it out and touch it as often as I can. The bins are slowly filling up and I am so happy about that!!!



 

 These 3 is my most current purchase. We try to buy as unisex as possible.

 Our first bedding set!!! Too CUTE!

 These were free,bought with Edgars rewards points!

 Not a great pic,but took this a few months ago.

I even called my sister to see if she can  find this one in Cape Tpwn for me. Had to have it!

1 Step Closer!!!

So my birthday has come and gone. I have officialy fallen of the calender,even though I was trying to hold on very tight!!! It's always very uneventfull,since moving from Cape Town. Just me and Hubby for the day. He makes me breakfast(gets better every year),we lunch and supper out. This year when we turned up at the eatery,it was so full on a Thursday eve,that we ended up at WIMPY!!! The pats 4 years he has been working nightshift on my bday,but he always manages to get the day (night) off,making at least one of my weeks shorter!!!

Now to get to the important stuff!!! Our SW contacted me on Friday. The local Sw assured her that he would be here for our home visit on Oct 2nd. Now she just wants to know if he had indeed showed up. Well,he didnt. I made a call to his office on Friday morning and he didnt get back to me. Saturday evening just after 6,while we are heading out to go have my missed bday dinner,there's a knock at the door. What do you know,It's mr Errol Peterson!!!Very casualy dressed and friendly. That moment there was no time to panick,the house is kind of a mess,with blankets all over the couch. Dining room table still has my birthday stuff all over it,accompanied by my scrapbooking and Santa Shoebox goodies. Imagine my horror. You have this picture that everything will be perfect when they show up,and now THIS!!!Also,he washere on Thursday,while we were out.

He came in,sat down,asked a few questions about us,the neighbours,the area,the house,the adoption and off he went!!! That's it,no walking,checking,nothing. He left with us feeling very positive. He assured us that he will be reporting back today and that according to him,everything looks good. Fingers crossed.We left the house in shock and disbelief,hunger gone,I forgot my wallet at home,just plain deurmekaar after that visit. I guess the adrenalin kicked in,but we were on cloud nine!!!Thank you mr Peterson,I thought you were gonna b full af crap and attitude,because of all the calls during these last 4 months!!!

On 25 Oct,we will be included in the group that goes infront of the board to decide if it's yay or nay...We'll talk again then!!!

Till next time...

Oh Pain Pain..go away!!!

Right now I am in front of the pc,heater on,icy feet and I can Barely move. Last nite I just felt a pop in my left hip area and since then I've been in so much PAIN! I've cried numerous times since last nite,but managed to still do some chores and fed my husband twice today,through the pain. It took me an hour to bake an egg,butter bread and make coffee this morning (mind you while sobbing through it the whole time.) Things kept falling on the floor and I struggled to just bend over,but I did. Meantime Hubby is snoring away,blissfully unaware of me and my trouble.Sensitive much?

I contacted our SW. Managed to send a very nice,but firm e-mail and she assured me that she will see to why our home study is taking s long to be completed. I realy just want this over and done with. I WANT TO BE PAPER PREGNANT!!!

This week I made my biggest purchase yet. A complete cot set. Duvet-,bumper- and pillow inners with the covers. The most beautifull set of white linnen with a bear embroidered on. It took some convincing in the store for Mark to agree,but here it is. He realised there and then how hard it will be for him to say no to our kids someday.

When I start to feel so low and longing to hold a little baby in my arms,I start unpacking ll my baby buys,I mean everything! Nothing stays behind. I lay it out in front of me,old it up,hold it close,smell it and then I cry...I know...I'm very naughty. I just cant help it. It eases the pain somewhat,but it's no match for a little body who will be filling them.

Till next time...

6 Year Anniverversary coming up!!!

Our Anniversary is coming up next Sunday,18 Aug 2013.

It's the first year that we dont have anything planned,but we are working towards a bigger goal...A FAMILY.

 This might be the person I miss the most in my life. Had a better bond with my Gran than with my own mother.

Our only 'child'. Has been for 5 years and 4 months!!!

Sad day for a dilly...

My parents,sister & goddaughter will be visiting us this coming long weekend. Yay 4 the visit,nay 4 the preparation!!!

Always the same problem. Not enough storage space. Now,to clear things up. I always try and buy xmas gifts and things early in the year when it's on sale. This year it happenes to b 6big boxes. Add to that the 2 bins baby goods and more beddings. I have to make space for these things and quick!!!

Mark has to pack up the whole 'home office' and install (and build) the built in cupboard in that bedroom by Thursday,keep in mind while working 12 hour night shifts!!! More stuff to find space for,the computrr stand,urgh#@.

On a sad note. Last week I bought a huge teddy,yes I dig my own grave with these purchaces and storage,now I wanto try and stuff it into my big baby bin. So taking the bins out,I open the smaller one with the baby clothing in and immediately I get sad. My heart aches while I'm holding the little bodyvest in the air and on my chest,wondering if they will ever be filled with a little soft body. I know I must not keep looking at it,but can you blame me? So the yearning,which had tapered off,has started up again and with it comes being sad,inpatient and just plain being negative about holding our baby in my arms. So,pack it away now and go on with the day,step by step,day by day.

Till next time...

Our 6t anniversary is coming up on the 18th!!!

Usually we go on a weekend getaway or for the whole week(just for the hell of it). This year we decided,no holidays!

A lighter heart!

I was so frustrated at not knowing whats going on,then yesterday I had a change of heart.

I prayed and asked God to take control. I will let go of my anxieties to let Him take his rightfull place as leader of our lives. I almost immediately felt as if a wheight has been lifted. For too long I'v been trying to control my life!
So today I checked my e-mails amd there was just one. I got angry and thought it was these chain mails again. To my suprise it was our SW!!! Now I was scared to read it. Was it good news,bad news or just news?

She just wants to confirm that all is still well. Our local SW is swamped with work,but has agreed to do our home visit,when he gets a chance to.

My heart rejoiced!!! We are still on the books,but mostly because God has shown ma favour! He listened and showed me that I should not doubt Him. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD!!!

Till next time..

It's getting to me...

I'm feeling very frustrated at the momemt. I like to know where I stand and at the moment I have NO idea.

I e-mailed the SW 2 weeks ago and havent received a reply yet. Yesterday again and still nothing. Is it a bad sign? I know these thing take time,but a little feedback wouldnt hurt or just the courtesy of answering an e-mail.

I dont know what to think. The longer I wait ,the more it consumes me and I'm starting to get mad. Is it wrong to feel this way?

Till next time...

What's in a Church?

THIS IS GONNA B A LONG ONE!

Last nite I brought up the topic of Church to my husband. To get the picture- I grew up VGK,he grew up CATHOLIC. Now the conventional thing u do when getting married is to join ur husband's church,right? Well,here we go.

I finaly,after 5,5 years of marriage,started the Adult classes to convert. That taking so long may have been the mistake. Now,classes are on pause till October and they told us that afterwards we can decide if the Catholic faith is for us or not. NOT! Due to many factors,not the church by itself.

Lets start with some sacraments,as they call it.

BAPTISM
It seems as if I will have to b baptised again at age 32.
One of the many things that seems not to b good enough for them if done in another church,there's a lot more!!!
I was baptised as a baby. Figured the next time this happens is when I made the choice to be,not being forced to gain entry to a church.
Also,when baptising your baby,you can only choose godparents of the same faith. I only know 4 Catholics. The only one I would concider lives abroad. Another thing being forced on you. I speak from experience.
I discovered my baptism certificate when I was 10 or so. My godparents being my dads stepfather and his sister(my aunt). Now by that time,the stepfather had passed. He was a wonderfull man,loved me like I was his own. The aunt is another story. No involvement whatso ever. I wanted to know from my mother,why would they choose her for such an important role? I didnt understand how she could have this amazing position givin to her and she didnt care at all.
Now why would I want that for my child. The names on the certificate is for life and even after. I dont want that question to come out of my childs mouth,that would mean I failed them. Mark suggested that u cud just put a name on there to get thru the baptism,I dont see it like that. I have a godchild. Her parents chose me,because of who I am. I love that girl to bits,even though I dont get to see her often. I would do anything for her if she asked. Wouldnt u want the same for your own children? Not just a name on a paper,because they're Catholic.

CONFESSION
Seriously? Why would I go sit in a box,telling someone anonomously my sins,have them tell me what my punishment should be and go do it? What happened to going down on your knees and using the direct line by praying? I talk to God everyday of my life,dont need the middleman while doing that.

HOLY COMMUNION
This I did after my confirmation. Now I'm not fit to receive it,cause I'm not Catholic. Oh and apparantly,you can only receive it after you have been to confession. Meaning you'll have to b in that box every week if you want communion.

CONFIRMATION
I was confirmed in 1998 at VGK Eersteriver by Ds. Obe Phillips. All decked out in white,my whole family in attendance(except the godmother and her mother btw). I had the whole production. Why go through it again. Why not let us take a few classes,take an oath  and receive us into the church? Now I have to do 1.5 years,just to get into a new church.

MARRIAGE
All of the above seem not to b good enough if you'v already done it. Now with our marriage,it has to be confirmed in the Catholic chutch for them to view it as legal. If I wanted it,I would have gotten married in the Catholic Church. We purposely decided to get a priest from a different church,than any of ours,to marry us. We looked for soneone who could give us pre-marrital counceling,who walked with us and could marry us in Christ. Not just someone who is ordaned to do it. Now that will be a do over also.

why would I convert to a faith where my current one is void to them?

My husband is Catholic in name. He doesnt go to confession,take communion once every what,doesnt own a rosary,missle and whatever else he should. There's no investment,just the 'I'm used to it' factor.
I have the same factor when it comes to VGK.

Other thing is this. When we went early this year so we cud get things going with the church,they gave him forms. 4 questions- Name;what parish he comes from;current address and how much will he be giving in planned giving. No other interest in a new member. They are always handing out money envelopes. You have to buy THEIR Bilble,Their books,rosaries, 2 different hymn books.
I have a store bought Bible and Hymn book. That's it. Once a month I give my donation,I didnt have to confirm ahead of time what it will be. They say other churches are money makers,but this one,sjoe!
The people dont hav any interest in you. We have been going there since 2007,no one has ever come up to us to ask anything about ourselves. They dont greet u in or out of chuch,even those who know who you are. Uninvolved!!! I grew up with Sunday school,confirmation classes,youth group,my mother was a deacon,belonged to the womens league. Whe had prayer meetings Wednesday evenings at a different house. It was a community. I want that. I want to get involved in these things. The Catholic church doesnt have that,how can you get involved when they dont acknowledge you? I want to be excited about going to Church even when I'm alone. I dread going to this Church by myself. It's said to b a mortal sin when you dont attend their mass,well I'm gonna burn in hell,cause there's no way I'm going by myself.
I'm not getting any spiritual guidance out of this church or faith. They challenge everything I believe in and yet I cannot believe in what they say. I believe in God,praying,the Bible.  How will I be a good Christian when I sit in a Church I dont want to be in,when I dont believe in their ways,when I feel unwanted and uncomfortable?

How can I raise my children under Gods word in a church that I myself dont want to be in. This is not just about us anymore,we have to think about our children and what we want out of life for them .

I believe it's now realy time to go Church hunting together.

Till next time...